Retro Yakking: Classic video gaming

Tank Battle In The Streets (Phantom Tank) on TV Boy II [Atari 2600 clone] - Fighting back vigorously for ultimate victory

2012-01-15T18:16:00.006Z

This description is written in the style of Lakepalmer's Games I Am Aren't Playing.

The inhabitants of coloured crate land have a bit of a problem. It's those pesky ghost tanks, you see. They magically fall from the sky at an alarming rate to collapse pile after pile of painstakingly stacked pallets with brightly coloured beanbags. The inhabitants, who spent all day constructing them, are tired of their hard work being ruined by these supernatural deviants, and worse still, they are being driven to madness (and often blindness) by the tanks' incessant flicker. For the sake of their mental and physical health, you have been charged with the task of destroying these pests once and for all.

Requisitioning a tank (or is it a block of cheese on wheels?) from the local military history museum, you load up your Ghostbuster phantom destructor thingy and make your way through the streets and across the village green, trapping those ghouls in miniature balls along the way. Actually, I think that was stolen from Pokemon or something. But the fact remains, you must rid this town of each and every one of those phantom fools before the local health service is overrun.

Nah, I made that up. *This* is the actual story (as seen in the image to the right):

"The energy base is being attacked by 4 or 5 vicious phantom tanks. You, driving the only armored car in the base, is fighting back vigorously for ultimate victory.

"Taking the walls as defense both sides begin street battle. The phantom tanks are finally extinguished by your vigorous fires.

"On second round, you and the enemy are confronting each other at both sides of the river. There are two bridges across the river, you must destroy the phantom tanks the moment the move onto the bridge or block their attack by moving your armored car across the river.

"The decisive battle is taken on the prairie. The enemy, with their five tanks at the same time, are attacking the base vigorously. You have to fire quickly and accurately to destroy them."

I shouldn't have bothered writing my own made up story because the real one is much better. I do so love a good bit of Engrish!

Goldeneye 007 [N64] - Christmas Day in Severnaya

2011-12-29T12:11:00.003Z

No James Bond on telly this Christmas Day? Oh well, console yourself with this video, which I suppose you could term a Christmas Special. It is December, after all.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Beer.

Apologies for any minor audio leakage. Just erm, pretend it isn't there.

The Retro Yakking Christmas Tape 2011

2011-12-24T19:01:00.005Z

Have a seat, kids, and let me tell you a story.

Long, long ago, before even the Game Boy camera, there existed a thing known as VHS. People could copy programmes off the telly and share them with other people without being branded a pirate supporting terrorism, druggies and David Cameron.

Before long, the people who lived in the television decided to record themselves doing very silly things to try and make their friends and family think they were cool. Each year, these recordings were brought together in a Christmas tape, a combination of extreme profanity, poor acting and general tomfoolery. It truly was the precursor to user-generated internet television.

While snooping around the Retro Yakking communal kitchen for scraps of food, I stumbled across a tape marked 'donot play [sic]'. After reviewing its contents, I think you should see it. But remember this one thing: it's twenty minutes of dreadfully rehashed content that wasn't good enough for general release. And when you remember 'general release' means 'uploaded to YouTube', you get a better understanding of the level of quality were talking about here.

Includes general outtakes, some bloopers from Pokemon Green and a binned Spiderman TV Boy II review. Merry Christmas, ya bums!

Fly In The Sky (Barnstorming) on TV Boy II (Atari 2600 clone)

2011-12-19T14:15:00.003Z

It's a little known fact that bored (or perhaps hard-up) 1920s agriculturalists would rent out their farmland to stunt pilots with a little too much time on their hands. That's the story of Barnstorming, in which you must fly your biplane through barns of solid stainless steel while avoiding pesky low-flying ducks and various impregnable towers in an attempt to beat your own record time.

This recreation of said pastime for the Atari 2600 is a pleasant short-term time killer, but if you want to earn your Flying Aces patch, you can spend an afternoon or two attempting to complete the first three levels within Activision's target times:

Game 1: 33.3 seconds
Game 2: 51.0 seconds
Game 3: 54.0 seconds

Looks like I have quite a way to go yet, eh? Fortunately, the courses on modes 1, 2 and 3 can be memorised for maximum exploitage as the barn layouts are precisely the same each time. Mode 4 is the expert's level, and as such is totally random.

Can't really comment on how faithful a conversion this TV Boy emulated version actually is as I haven't played the original Atari version. I will say, however, that the weird graphical glitch on the first video (which very nearly made me scrap the recording altogether) is down to the TV Boy's incompatibility with my 2011 Toshiba HD TV rather than the system itself. Seems I must dig out the old CRT to test this theory.

Take one (pants version)

Take two (slightly better version)

More pics from Replay Expo 2011, Blackpool

2011-11-22T14:09:00.006Z

Just a few more bits from this month's Replay Expo. Images in this post are screenshots from video shot on the Saturday (5 November) to give a bit of a taste of the afternoon without you having to use up bandwidth on videos and stuff like that.

Hope you enjoyed them! The more eagle-eyed among you will have also noticed this screengrab of a Vectrex over at Bite Sized Muppetry, and that I haven't posted any videos of that console... so far.

[/suspense]

Replay Expo 2011, Blackpool: An illuminating experience [Video review]

2011-11-12T19:44:00.002Z

Harry Yack takes a trip to the home of donkeys, expensive lighting and billions of bed and breakfasts. No time for sausage 'n' chips or walks along the promenade, however, as the 2011 Replay retro video game type thingy was also taking place just down the road at Norbreck Castle.

Footage here was taken on the first day of the event, Saturday 5 November. Highlights included a cosplay parade (not featured), prize raffle (not featured) and a wet T-shirt contest (not really). There was also a full itinerary of talks and competitions taking place during the day, so this video merely skims the surface of the delights on offer. And no, I'm not talking about the hamburgers.

Features:

Retro Console Zone
Retro Computer Corner - 4:18
Prince of Persia (Commodore SX-64) - 5:11
Pinball Alley - 6:33
Pac-Man (Arcade) - 8:05
Epoch TV Vader - 8:39

...and a bunch more mildly 'entertaining' vignettes.

Replay Expo, Norbreck Castle, Blackpool, 5 November 2011 [Photos]

2011-11-08T18:31:00.006Z

Video of Saturday's antics at Replay will be online as soon as I can edit the footage together. In the meantime, console yourself (groan) with this tasty selection of photographs from the main hall. Click for full size.

Retro Corner. Absolutely bustling, you'd have struggled to find yourself a machine here.

Playing some Duck Hunt on Nintendo.

Breaking News: Giant sheep eats miniature pony.

Bomberman madness. Even better on a large screen TV!

Halo tournament in progress. Didn't enter in time, which is probably good thing as I would have been slaughtered.

Space Panic Arcade cabinet.

Super Mario Kart - Yoshi vs. Bowser.

More retro goodness.

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 30-31

2011-11-06T12:45:00.002Z

Fool, otherwise known as Dr Aochider, infiltrates the highly secretive Rocket Member hideout for (slightly more family friendly) exploits in Pokemon Green Engrish.

Bonus - Silly quotes

Rocket Member: "..., Who are you? How do you come?"
Rocket Member (on losing): "Why! Defeated!"
Rocket Member 1: "What is the fellow who has slipped into MISSILE?"
Rocket Member 1 (on losing): "Drop or fall suddenly ...!"
Rocket Member 2: "You can see an unseen ghost using the silluff Observator The boss said so."
Rocket Member 2 (on losing): "What a mess!"
Rocket Member 3 (on losing): "Ah! Won't it do?"
Rocket Member 4: "Hi! Comes a contact from the upper floor!"
Rocket Member 4 (on losing): "Lost..., Fool!"
Rocket Member 5: "But, Don't trouble MISSILE. This is for you."
Rocket Member 6: "Ha,ha,ha! What's the meaning of that lift can be used? Who has the key?"
Rocket Member 6 (on losing): "No, no!"
Rocket Member 6: "That's all, ...! The key of lift... is specially hided!"
Rocket Member 7: "A lost-way boy. Are you the... of lost way boy?"
Rocket Member 7 (on losing): "Why?"
Rocket Member 8: "You, blokes! Don't you understand the materstroke of MISSILE's evil deed!"
Rocket Member 8 (on losing): "Crying or other sound."
Rocket Member 9 (on losing): "How wronged but defeated!"
Sakachy: "Ah! Welcome to this place. Do all the evil deeds using all the PET in the world The money-made MISSILE! I'm the head Sakachy! If you resist against me I'll let you have to pay for it!"
Sakachy (on losing): "Ah,ah! That is simply foolish!"

Super Mario Bros. [NES] - A Tale of Violence, Vagabondage and Vegetarianism

2011-10-30T12:14:00.003Z

Critical piece discussing the fungus fancier's first console outing, chronicling the conception, controversies and downright LSD-fuelled insanity of Brooklyn's most prominent pudgy pipe plunger. Nah, not really. I just reiterate the really obvious, half-humorous observations of other people.

Huge thanks to Chipmaster for the game footage and Shigeru Miyamoto for his agreeing not to have me banned from Mario Kart online.

Apologies for taking so long to release this. I did plan to make more of it, but decided to put an end to the hype and finally release it as-is. I bet you're well chuffed :P

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PART 29

2011-10-29T13:27:00.003+01:00

AKA Sex 'n' Drugs 'n' Androgyny in Pokemon Green Engrish by Dr Aochider. Fool takes a trip to the Hippy Gym in Flash Town for more non-wholesome antics. Creepy or what?

Bonus Quotes

Miniskirt: "Ah! Man! Hey! This is the place that only girls can enter!"
Miniskirt (on losing): "Really rude!"
Sister: "Hi! All are girls. Feeling bored?"
Sister (on losing): "Too bored!"
Sister 1: "Hi, ..., look! This is my PET! the type of cultivated grass. Very easy, very good."
Sister 1 (on losing): "Bored!"
Girl Scout: "Why! Aren't you the man peeping at the window just before?"
Girl Scout (on losing): "Blinking one's eyes with astonishment."
Trainer (yes, that's what it's called in the game): "Welcome to lightning city gym! you'd better not be negligent don't think they are girls, !"
Miniskirt 1 (on losing): "Ah! This fellow!"
Sister 2: "Your interest is...? Yes, ...! I slightly interest in PET."
Sister 2 (on losing): "The skill is exactly good!"
Allic: Oh...! How nice the weather! Too comfortable! ... ..., si.breathe ... Ah, It won't do! It even got sleep. ... Hi! Nuisance! Is it an application? Then... I'll never loss!"
Allic (on losing): "...! Here I come! It's really Everyone are strong. This rainbow badge must be given to you."
Allic (again): "Ah, ...Are you compiling the illustrated handbook PET, aren't you? Extremely excellent! I only want some beautiful if It's me!"
Girl Scout: "You! Trustly don't peep at? There are many in recent."

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PART 28

2011-10-09T12:26:00.002+01:00

Dr Aochider has completed another 12-minute segment of the mammoth decryption task that is Pocket Monsters Green, and has kindly posted it here for you all to enjoy/berate as you see fit.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Kid: "My Dejars! It is caught on the Island of Red Lotus! It is... that may spray out poisonous gas when getting angry, is a good boy."
Madwoman: "How beautiful the city programme is! It is pround. Flash town, playing corner have been built! Too bad!"
Cheapo billboard: "Here is Flash Town Flash is rainbow-like, the colour of dream"
Oldman: "Ha ha! Put the coin in to bet, Lose again! If you have plus coins, it's better to change it into prize I knew that long ago, but...!"
Madowman 2: "Ther are also coin machine throwing up at different place."
Madman: "Oh, this is just the words we say here... All the people... are spreading... that this play yard belongs to... of."
Rocket Member: "I am watching this poster! If you hinder me I'll let you to have to pay for it!"
Rocket Member (on losing): "Beast!"
Sideburns bloke: "H'm. Find a method. longs to own that Ghost Boly! But it's difficult to win in the coin-drop game!"
"How cheap abulletin board. Effective card, can protect PET from special attack of fire, water and lightning 16#e-"
Missile: "Why you look at me? Go away or I will beat you!"
Fat dude: "Speak quietly..., engulf ...it looks like there is a basement ...under the play corner."
Blabbermouth Guard: "Don't touch the propaganda put up on the play corner! Not at all having hided the switch behind."
Kid 1: "Wahoo! Do you meaning the travel? My sister, I like it too much!"
Boyfriend: "Why...? It should be a journey with the girlfriend alone. But!"
Randy old bloke: "Hi! Hi! This gymnasium is good! All are girls!"

Australian Rugby League [Mega Drive] - Harry Yack's great cash-in special [2/2]

2011-10-08T11:12:00.002+01:00

Wigan (otherwise known as Simpsons FC) take on the might of Castleford (also known as Fiji) in a battle for Mega Drive Rugby League supremacy in EA's Australian Rugby League. This game, the counterpart to Rugby World Cup 95, stands alone as the system's one and only rugby league game. Since there is no competition, I guess this qualifies as the MD's best simulation of the sport, and it isn't half bad.

Australian Rugby League is basically RWC95 tweaked to include league's slightly different rules, which can be considered both a good and bad thing. On the negative side, all the bugs have been carried across and those kicks are still difficult to execute perfectly. On the plus side, EA have implemented some slight improvements such as player numbers for easy identification. Additionally, the sport of rugby league seems to translate to video game form marginally better, at least in terms of confusion levels; those ball releases in RWC95 were a proverbial female dog to control. ARL is a bit simpler to comprehend for the non-rugby aficionado and those more familiar with American football.

There are still no fist fights though. :(

Rugby World Cup 95 [Mega Drive] - Harry Yack's great cash-in special [1/2]

2011-10-07T11:28:00.004+01:00

In the Mega Drive's lifespan of approximately eight years, the world saw tens of titles looking to emulate the grand old sport of football. Sensible Soccer, Super Kick Off and countless FIFA titles courtesy EA Sports graced Sega's premier console, most of which enjoyed a modicum of success piggybacking various domestic and international football competitions.

Somewhere in all of this, its noticeably more hands-on cousin was lost in a quagmire of freshly churned Saturday afternoon mud. Rugby fans were starting to feel left out - up to now, Mega Drive owners only had Domark's International Rugby to satisfy their virtual rucking and scrumming urges. In 1994, Electronic Arts came to the rescue with a brand new rugby title that only slightly borrowed from a certain commercial soccer series. With such promising pedigree and with the 1995 World Cup on the horizon, how could it possibly fail?

For those with a vested interest, Rugby World Cup 95 is a decent simulation of the sport. EA's trademark isometric viewpoint lends an element of individuality, while the FIFA International Soccer-style menus add familiarity. Doesn't cover up the fact they were blatantly stolen though, does it? :P In fact, it's all very FIFA. This does not prove too much of a problem, however, for it's certainly playable.

Though the controls are relatively easy to get to grips with, the kicking mechanics are somewhat difficult to master even after you've been mucking about with the game for about a week. As we know too well, however, no game is without its flaws (perhaps excepting maybe the odd Mario release), and the odd bug --such as occasional player invisibility-- doesn't necessarily detract from fun factor.

For those with not a sliver of interest in rugby, you could happily go about your everyday life not even knowing this game exists. Then again, you could say that about countless Mega Drive titles, so I suppose I'm being unfair. I guess I'm trying to convey the point that while Rugby World Cup isn't exactly essential, it is a worthy time-killer.

The burning question for rugby fans alike remains thus: how does this game shape up in comparison to International Rugby? Soon, my friends.

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 26-27

2011-10-01T12:38:00.002+01:00

Yet more general bumbling in Pokemon Green, Engrish version with Dr Aochider.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Rocket Member: "I'm tired you go to and fro before me! Don't look down upon the rocket projectile!"
Random trainer: "This fellow (his Pokemon, stood beside him) is my colleague! A soft thing! It met stones in water, and evoluted into such a soft thing!"
Cheapo bulletin board: "... The Clitty Clippor will be easy to hit home. ..."
Deformed Buddhist Bloke: "The bachelor life isn't lonely as he is encircled by PETs! Niss in my family sometimes pickes up some money or something else."
Bespectacled computer programmer: "Why? That's a programme!"
Sign outside penthouse: "I can see through whatever."
Chalkboard: "Connect with your friend's GB, the miss on the right of the bar will to lead the way."
Legend: "The first floor is service desk... The first floor is shop... TRAINER, The second floor is the shop... to monopolize TV and player, The third floor is a cleverman... to give away, The fourth floor is an anaesthetic shop... The top floor is automat."
Sign outside elevator: "Here is elevator."
Bloke shopping: "Silvery spraying isn't good at it PET can't run out, Oh! Is it named sprayinginsecticide with an antipersonnel power?"
Salesclerk: "Welcome! . ya! PET at last we ended! Don't you finish? Then. Give you a good thing."
Kid: "Write down the names who have stolen and record and opponent PET,"
Creepy Game Boy Kid #1: "Quick to come! Ghost baby! I, is a Ghost fanatic! Ah, ...? The Ghost transferred has become another PET!?"
TV Screen 1: "円"
TV Screen 2: "This is a shadowbox game! ... Looks like someone!"
Guy in shop: "You'd better buy a toy Pipi for your girlfriend! It's now warmly welcome!"
Shouty kid: "I've heard a good news thatwhen PET is rushing out, through the toy Pipi, and then PET can be attracted by it that is to see that you can flee."
Sign: "The top floor,..., is a rst square... an automat."
Brother: "My younger sister is a nobody of PETTRAINER!"
Sister: "H'm...! Brother! I'd like have some fruit juice! Would you mind giving me some?"
Sister (After receiving water): "Wah! Can you me a cup of water? Thank you for your hospitality! Give you my treasureto express heartfelt thanks!"

Hamburger (Fast Food) on TV Boy II [Atari 2600 clone] - You're Getting Fatter!

2011-09-28T12:59:00.000+01:00

It's time for more food-related fun and frolics courtesy Fast Food --or should I say Hamburger-- for the Atari 2600. This particular version of the game, which is plagued with colour emulation problems, can be found on the Akor/Systema TV Boy, an unlicensed clone console thingy in the shape of a controller.

Fast Food is exactly as the title claims: it's really fast and has lots of food in it. Your dismembered mouth is charged with the task of consuming grub for points, which you will soon find quite an addictive concept. After drawing you in with novelty value, the game soon presents quite a challenge as the various burgers, milkshakes and tortilla chips come at you quicker than John Prescott when he hears the buffet's open. It becomes increasingly difficult to dodge the purple peppers (AKA pickles or sausages) which will inevitably lead to a debilitating, gassy death - the things whizz by so fast you can't help but inadvertently swallow them.

I won't go so far as to say this is the best game on the TV Boy, but it's certainly my favourite, even if it does require ever-better lightning reactions as you advance through the difficulty levels. In years gone by we coped with this typical Atari requirement much better, but even today much enjoyment can be found in gobbling up items of unhealthy food. And I'm not just talking about in real life.

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PART 25

2011-09-24T11:13:00.002+01:00

Dr Aochider is your guide for the latest instalment of this never-ending (yet somehow highly intriguing) Pokemon playthrough.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Miniskirt: "Round and light likes a toy PET! ..., how about you?"
Miniskirt (on losing): "Stop! To my Pipi, don't be too rude!"
Gamble: "I'm still a vagrant gambler."
Gamble (on losing): "...! Why you let the first go?"
Science Man (on losing): "Beyond my understanding!"
Miniskirt 2 (on losing): "But, why,"
Science Man: "Study is also a good thing..., but PET is also good."
Miniskirt 3: "Such range likes as flowers in a row on the range."
Miniskirt 3 (on losing): "Go too far! All are lovely PET. But"
Science Man 2: "You, PET, looks very strong. But, are you good at science?"
Science Man 2 (on losing): "Suddenly fall"
Woman: "Do you often go there? How convenient there selling various commodities in lightning shop."
Bloke: "Recently it is said there apears some dazzy PET in Kerria City."

The Dentist (Plaque Attack) on TV Boy II [Atari 2600 clone] - Extracting some fun

2011-09-18T12:16:00.006+01:00

Welcome to Plaque Attack, a dentist simulator in the form of an Atari space shooter. Your ship, a miniature tube of toothpaste, is tasked with defending a giant's mouth from the advances of floating aliens resembling burgers, ice cream cones and... cassettes with hair?

A relatively simple challenge at first, it all gets rather frantic as the mutant doughnuts and candy canes flying at you from all directions become increasingly slippery. One must utilise all one's super-sharp Atari joystick reactions to eliminate all threats before the monster's teeth are rotted to mere stumps, leaving him quite literally toothless. Presumably the giant then swallows your ship in a fit of rage before purchasing a new set of gnashers and allowing you to do it all again with a new tube of toothpaste.

You can earn yourself extra teeth, to be surgically implanted in a matter of milliseconds, every couple of thousand points to extend your game just that bit longer so you can experience the thrill of evil sandwiches and Glacé cherries being flung at you in Space Invader-esque fashion.

Not quite as fun as Fast Food, a similarly food-related title on the TV Boy, but certainly a novel little idea that at least *attempts* to deviate from the usual "Aliens From Planet X" Atari fare. Except it doesn't really, because replace the tooth sprites with buildings and it's just like War of the Worlds. The sound effects are pretty stock, and not really reflective of squirting toothpaste or exploding Christmas puddings, which is a bit of a pity. Nevertheless, it earns Brownie points for fighting a noble cause against the serial (cereal?) killer that is tooth decay.

Pun courtesy Lakepalmer.

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PART 24

2011-09-17T11:01:00.003+01:00

Dr Aochider is back for another part of this seemingly never-ending journey through Pokemon land, Engrish style.

YouTube description

An unforgettable trip to the Aster City in Pokemon Green Engrish. Incidentally, Aster is purple, a noble colour - more noble than turquoise or aquamarine, anyway. Scary stuff.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Cheapo billboard: "Is it the haunted PET? New products! Hilluf observator! ..., Hilluf commercial firm"
Resident: "Recently, there appears ghosts... to haunt in the tower PET, always feels it is the spirit of PET killed by MISSILE..."
Boy: "You, do you think existing the ghost?!"
Resident 2: "This is in the tomb PET. Famous town... when PET fostered by, died, put it in the tower PET. Is there for praying..."
Resident 3: "It's funny! The old man Fuji isn't here! Where si he?"
Book: "Having won a first-class prize! Monthly, a generous gift of PET friend's! The call for antributions is. Why! Clipped!"
Girl: "I...! Can't forgive MISSILE! There the Haha's mother was seized and killed by MISSILE on the fleeing route."
Fortune-teller: "BICHO has named a rather good nickname. But, , let me give you a slight bettermane! How about you?"
Bloke in shop: "It is... that the grandpa is looking for. It's a tool to enhance the skill of for a while when PET is contesting. ... Don't you know the name of ... a speed promoter, that can increase the strength and enhance... specially?"

Rambler (Walker/Clown Down Town) on TV Boy II [Atari 2600 clone] - Attack of the Mr Benns

2011-09-10T12:04:00.002+01:00

Presenting Clown Down Town (AKA Rambler or Walker), surely one of the most simplistic games for the Atari 2600. Or in this case, the TV Boy, an Atari emulator that plugs into your television and renders classic (and less classic) games in the incorrect colours and with mutilated music.

Before Super Mario Brothers, there was 'Walker' by Starsoft. You did not jump on enemies, rather avoid them for your life, for the top-hatted gentlemen blocking your way are fatal to touch. Good thing our protagonist is capable up NBA-style jumps that would embarrass even Javier Sotomayor. Once you had completed six screens of this, you were transported back to the first and a harder challenge presented. Not that difficult at first, but things certainly become tougher as the time in which you have to complete individual screens rapidly decreases upon each regeneration.

As with many Atari games, this is a fun time-killer if you have half an hour to fill, but beyond that there isn't much depth. Good thing the TV Boy has 100-odd more games for you to sample, including the much more frantic and exciting Fast Food (hint, hint). For a sedate, relaxing game, however, Clown Down Town is alright. It has some neat little graphics (even featuring what looks like a UFO!) but you'll soon get tired of seeing them. Mind you, you do tend to block them out after a while so it's less of an issue. Besides, this is Atari, and you should be grateful for small mercies.

Worth a look for its camp value.

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 21-23

2011-09-03T14:31:00.000+01:00

Dr Aochider is joined by fellow authoritative person on PET Skidgle for another live commentary segment of Pokemon Green Engrish. Here, we both attempt to navigate the Rock Mountain Tunnel without the aid of FLASH or repels. I must be out of my tiny mind.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Fanatic 1: "PET, fight! Ladies, come on!"
Fanatic 1(on losing): "Is it defeated?"
Fanatic 2: "I also drew some illustration PET and the alike whlie I was at home."
Fanatic 2 (on losing): "I'm so tired!"
Girl Scout 1: "No problem even though having a competition, but ... doesn't often come here."
Girl Scout 1 (on losing): "Lost!"
Fanatic 3: "That... does he know Karsebuly PET?"
Fanatic 3 (on losing): "I can't tackle this!"
Mountain Man 1: "Rush out if you were a man!"
Mountain Man 1 (on losing): "Tong 56#!"
Mountain Man 2: "I, having lived in mountain for a long time, will never let the foreigner tyranize here!"
Mountain Man 2 (on losing): "Extraordinary!"
Mountain Man 3: "Ha, ha! Can you defeat my power?"
Mountain Man 3 (on losing): "Well! Power, lost?"
Fanatic 4: "Are you compiling the illustrated handbook PET? Skunk! I also want to do it!"
Fanatic 4 (after losing): "... so, can you give it to me if you've finished comlipe?"
Girl Scout 2: "Yaoo! You have frightened me! Don't do any grotesque movement in the dim tunnel!"
Mountain Man 4 (on losing): "It is we who lost."
Girl Scout 3: "Ah, that is PET! Let's begin now!"
Girl Scout 3 (on losing): "Once more!"
Girl Scout 4: "I'm even here for looking for PET!"
Girl Scout 4 (on losing): "Here isn't PET"
Girl Scout 5: "Ah...! For a long time I did not go on the mountainous way, , as if I am an anaemia patient."
Girl Scout 5 (on losing): "..., feels not so well, no any good method."
Fanatic 5: "Hey, hey! Are you enjoying my PET?"
Fanatic 5 (on losing): "Ah! Precious little byby PET!"

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 19-20

2011-08-28T12:42:00.002+01:00

Dr Aochider is once again your host for two more gripping episodes of the Pokemon Engrish saga. Whoever said video games had to make any sense?

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Child: "You are acting in a slick way to PET! Do that as you like!"
Child: "Do that as I like! Never regret!"
Child 2: "I'm a just-finished-become PET, TRAINER, but I have confidence to win!"
Child 2 (on losing): "Defeated, look at this! ... Doesn't foster PET yet?"
Electronic Boss: "Hello! Is my electricity safe?"
Electronic Boss (on losing): "It is terrible to let the old man do as he pleases!"
Electronic Boss 2: "Good morning! Didn't you forget turning the lamp off?"
Electronic Boss 2 (on losing): "I'm convinced! How strong the children in the nowdays are!"
Child 3 (on losing): "Hi! It is unfeasible not to foster stronger PET!"
Random bloke: "I is looking for LINON! .. If that is so, what time will be?"
Aochider's Assistant: "I remember me? Hi...! The assistant of Dr. Aochider The illustrated handbook PET 30 types were collected, give you BOOSTER Dr Aochider said so. ... Then hurry, Mr Fool! Is the PET you've caughtmore than 30 types?"
"PET, it looks like that sleeps comfortablly."
Gamble: "Because I like to have a competition, I did not choose any opponent!"
Gamble (on losing): "Skunk! Why don't you believe you can win?"
Child 4: "Be careful for the preciously fostered PET! It is the time for them to compete!"
Child 4 (on losing): "Bye-bye,..! Thank you, by-by!"
Girl Scout: "Yoo! You also have PET,..., wonderful!"
Mountain Man: "Haha! Just in time! I'm just feel bored!"
Mountain Man (on losing): You won't do yet, you won't do yet! I still believe you are.., but PET has dispeared!"
Juvenile: "Every morning you get up early, Pupae you fostered! Hatches at the end!"
Juvenile: "Hey, What do I get up very early everyday for?"
Mountain Man 2: "Ha, Ha! Come here, hace a try!"
Juvenile 2: "Our lovely insect fool! Go!"
Mountain Man 3: "Ha, Ha! You are a strong boy! Would you like to come and contest?"
Mountain Man 3 (on losing): "Why?"
Girl Scout 2: "I occationally go to gymnasium PET! ...,... lose, but"
Girl Scout 2 (on losing): "Is specially trained, but"

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PART 18

2011-08-24T18:51:00.003+01:00

Dr Aochider presents the 18th part of this epic Pokemon Green Engrish playthrough. It's the longest part yet, so you can expect some failures along the way...

YouTube description

Attempting to beat gym leader Marchiss in the next gym, but first there's a minor inconvenience in the form of the bin puzzle. Well, I was slightly harsh on it, but it seems a bit tacked on. At least they tried to work in some elementary puzzles, which provides welcome variation.

The sub-par audio quality picks up after 6 minutes.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Geek bloke: "Major Marchiss's nickname is Lightning America! If let him use electric PET, his nickname seems to be Japanese one!"
Sailor: "Here children are forbidden whatever your PET is so strong!"
Sailor (on losing): "I'm taken aback!"
Electron Group: "I came here to deal with electricity though my poor strength!"
Dustbin: "Oh, the dustbin is over there. Here has a button! Try to press it!"
Marcheese: "Well! Little boy! Your uncomplete skill can't help you to survive on the battlefield! You must have used PETan electric shock to survive in the war! All are paralyzed and can't move any more! You'll have to go in the same way. Pledge to be true!"
Marcheese (on losing): "Oh no! Your strength is excellent! It's really a true skill! OK! Give you an orange badge!"
Marchiss: "You are super! This is a token of my regard!"

Getting to know Harry Yack (tag response) and some shoutouts (20 August 2011)

2011-08-23T19:22:00.006+01:00

Response to CPCGamer's 'tag' with the following questions:

First block:

How did you come about to make videos on YouTube?
Do you drink alcohol? If yes why and what is your opinion on anti-alcoholics? If no: why not and what do you think of people who drink alcohol?
What game is responsible for ripped out hair in frustration?
Why did the idea of a plumber who beats up turtles turn out to be that good?
What's your opinion of the social situation of your country?

Second block:

How old were you when you started playing video games?
What was your first console and how did you get it?
What game did you love to play as a child?
Which game do you play the most at the moment?
Name your top 3 of current games.
What game deserves a sequel in your opinion?
What's your hobby and passion next to LPing?
What console / handhelds do you own?
Name your top 3 game series.
Some final words about gaming and LPing.

Shoutouts (begin at 13:51)

Open tag to anybody watching, so respond if you feel like it.

Game is Gran Turismo 2, Seattle Endurance with the fantastic Tigra Ice Race car. Just so you know, the screw-up count is not entirely accurate, and I couldn't really do anything about the out-of-sync sound.

Gran Turismo 2 [PSX] - A Reckless Life

2011-08-13T21:41:00.002+01:00

Gran Turismo is not *really* a driving sim, is it? I mean, it allows you to smash into walls at 300km/h and not only walk away unscathed, but actually emerge with an advantage over your opponents. For a great example of this, you need look no further than the original GT, which allows you to blaze around the High Speed Ring in a mega-souped GTO without having to brake and still win.

That said, it's still a fantastic series. In fact, said 'failings' aren't always to its detriment. I certainly don't care, and will readily exploit them in attempt to even the competition, particularly in Gran Turismo 2. The computer loves entering cars over the BHP limit for any particular tournament and will ride to the finish line laughing heartily. In particular, the mega-powerful Ford GT40 can regularly be seen frequenting the 295hp Historic Cup.

All of which is fodder for a whole series of videos, but for now you'll have to make do with me attempting to conjure some humorous quips on a selection of cars in the game. Oh well, at least it's in pseudo-HD.

Regarding the closing sequence, in which I rammed the purple Focus into the side of the tunnel: because the computer AI isn't programmed to reverse and turn away from the obstacle, it continues to hammer the throttle until it wriggles free. As a result, the car spent ages slamming its front bumper against a wall and finished about half a lap down on the other competitors as a result. Bloomin' eejit.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? UK [PSX] & 2nd Edition Video review

2011-08-06T13:59:00.002+01:00

Harry Yack takes a look back at a game so culturally significant it hardly matters.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire stood proudly atop the video games sales charts for weeks, nay months, after its release. This delivers false promise, for due to the unbelievable popularity of the TV show, every other parent who got their kid a Playstation for Christmas went out to Dixons and bought a copy. For 35 quid. In actuality, all you get is a bog-standard question and answer affair, and you know how fantastically those types of games translate to the Playstation. Exactly, they don't.

For that sort of price, you'd at least expect some half decent bonus games beyond a single fastest-finger first playoff. Sadly, you cannot take on Tarrant in hand-to-hand combat over that cheque for £64,000, nor can you go on a rampage around the Millionaire studio hunting for collectables - in this case empty coffee cartons and bottles of Benylin.

Not that it would be all that difficult, with the audience having gone home some three and half hours ago. But at least it would have offered something new beyond the entertainment you can get from simply watching the TV show on Challenge. For free. Well, not counting that hefty cable/satellite subscription Murdoch/Branson has you forking out month after month. Blasted phone hacking/hot air balloon flying media moguls.

Just a quick note: many sequences have been shortened to spare you from boredom. Also, the audio clicks you hear from time to time are not due to my video editor or the encoding, but are present in the game itself.

International Cricket Captain 2001 PC vs Playstation

2011-07-27T21:35:00.004+01:00

It's baseball, but over five days and with cucumber sandwiches!

A follow up to a brief(ish) look at the Playstation [PSX] version of this game. Well, it's not that funny really. Just your bog-standard intro to the game to compare it with its console counterpart. Apologies for the frame rate for the match highlights. It was a trade-off between resolution and frame rate, but in the end, due to my video editor being a fool, I couldn't export in HD anyway. Ah well, it's a bit better than point-camera-at-telly anyway.

Small note: This is the Ashes edition of the game, with only the odd extra scenario to differentiate it from the common-or-garden ICC2001.

Channel updates, shoutout and a quick question [Vlog]

2011-07-25T12:17:00.003+01:00

It's all covered in the video. Watch and all shall be revealed.

It's my intention to get more involved in the community side of things. To that end, here's a quick update video with traditional shout-outs and such. In HD!

The game is Left 4 Dead 2 (c) Valve 2009 for the XBOX 360.

Linkage

Shoutouts

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 16-17

2011-07-23T14:44:00.002+01:00

Join Dr Aochider for another instalment of Pokemon Green, Engrish version. Here, we advance through the Sandu Annu ship, but the path is not all smooth.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Sailor: "Dammit! It should be throwed into the sea if lost!"
Gentleman: "Is travelling around the world. But that fellow always sleeps I'm surprised when I found him! Really...! So PET it is!"
Sailor: "Look! The fish I angled!"
Fisherman (on losing): "All is empty!"
Gentleman: "Only fighting with young man is joys of life!"
Gentleman (on losing): A good cometition! Looks like recovering one's youthful vigour."
Bloke: "Can sword skill of PETcut off slender tree?"
Gentleman (on losing): "A rather good fellow!"
Woman: "There really appear many seasick men."
Roky: "Hello! Fool! Ah! Meet you at this kind of place...! Are you invited? Additionally, the of the illustrated handbookk PET, the data have been collected completely!"
Roky (on losing): "H'm...! All in all, PETall are fostered only casually!"
Captain: "Ah! Seasick is very painful... and."
Captain (on having his back rubbed): "H'm... thanks! Seems more comfortable! What, what, what! Come to see secret skill! Oh, yes! If you are in good mood, I will show you sword skill!"
Captain's book: "I'm not seasick. This is the captain. He is reading a book named ABC of Travel by ship...!"
On looking in captain's rubbish bin: "Not seeing maybe is better."
Sailor (on losing): "Too careless!"
Sailor: "Ow, ow! Let's fight to see who is stronger!"
Passenger: "OUch, ouch... I feel ill.., you are seasick. Get in a draught..."

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 14-15

2011-07-16T11:38:00.003+01:00

Dr Aochider presents yet more gibberish courtesy this Engrish translation abomination. In these parts, Fool works his way through the Sandu Annu, also known as the Sandoanu.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Ship attendant: "I'm an attendant on the ship! Call me if you have something done! ... ... ... Is an uncommunicative man!"
Kitchen assistant 1: "I'm so busy that my head is swimming! Thank you, go there!"
Kitchen assistant 2: "Why! You've blocked traffic! Step aside, step side!"
Kitchen assistant 3: "Chi, chi. The sound of onion-skinning or tear dropping. Every day I skin onions! Chi, chi. The sound of onion skinning or tear dropping 6#E-"
Bin: "Crack! Crack! All are rubbish in!"
Kitchen assistant 4: "Hey, hey, hey hey,... Everyday I skin taroes! Hey, hey. The sound produced while working ..."
Miniskirt: "Nuisance! This is PET ... coming from the world!"
Child: "I like PET very much! Please foster PET, too!"
Woman: "My children and I are travelling around the world. Ha, ha, ha! Laughter!"
Kid: "I'm still with Buklin (presumably his Pokemon) up to now!"
Woman: Hey, attendant! I want to have some cake. Give me some with France flavour, please!"
Gentleman: "I'm a travellor! Only PET captured on the travelling way is my friend.
Gentleman: ... and I are friends, ..."
Person: "This is my partner, Gulichi [his PET], a man of great strength! He can even move the rock that can't be heavier by sheer animal strength."
Sailor 1: "Asilor is inseperately from scuffle, how about you? Come on!"
Sailor 1 (on losing): "Be bold! It is a not bad competition!"
Sailor 2: "Hi, come! With the spirit of sailor. Bet, you'll surely win."
Sailor 1: "Ha, ha, ha! Little boy, don't you become a sailor?"
Sailor 3: "I do like a healthy boy the same as this!"
Sailor 4 (on losing): "Oh, having done well"

French report on the Nintendo 64 from E3 1996 [Commentary]

2011-07-15T17:17:00.006+01:00

Time to hop aboard our time machine for a trip back to 1996 and E3, the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Thanks to our French (French-Canadian?) cousins, we can experience the thrill of witnessing Nintendo's brand new creation, the N64, for the first time once more. Cue ropey beta footage and blistered thumbs as a bunch of wide-eyed tech geeks attempt to come to terms with the callous-creating analogue mini-joystick. C'est très compliqué, one might say.

Footage courtesy adonfjv, Necromancylord2 and Canal+.

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 12-13

2011-07-14T12:44:00.003+01:00

Two more parts of Dr Aochider's Pokemon playthrough with a twist. Post-recording commentary is once again the order of the day, though we'll be reverting to live comms for at least the next couple of parts.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Cheap Bulletin Board: Light blue city PET, gym, the head Karsemy, frivolous toy
Shorts Man: From now Carsmy will become a strong TRAINER incessantly! Can't be defeated by such men as you.
Girl Scout: Your words are enough! Doesn't need Carsmy to enter the arena.
Carsmy (on losing): H'm...! It's I who lost! No any method! Give you blue badge as a proof you've won me!
Girl Scout: If you don't have a competition with various MISSILE TRAINER, you can't understand how well you are.
Woman in house: MISSILE! He'll certainly think out some evil ideas if you let PET dig hole.
Man in house: Ah...! MISSILE fellow! What a mess you've made in my house! The stolen SKILL MACHINE is in the desert! Teach him the skill of how to dig a hole on the ground! That is expensive
Rocket Member (Thief): Hello! Don't enter into other one's private yard! ... Well, I? I'm just passing by here. No any being suspect! ... Suspect?
Rocket Member (on losing): Ah, admired! Never done again! Please let me go!
Guard: I'm a serious guard. Ah... thirsty! Hi there. No passing now!
Child: Though very tired, you can do nothing.
Woman: It is said there are many thing lost in the dark undergrand tunnel.
Juvenile (on losing): That simply is foolish!
Boy Scout: Who! Who is eavesdropping our secret talking is an overhearer!
Boy Scout (on losing): Why you don't get win?
Girl Scout (on losing): Damn you! Being defeated really lose face
Juvenile: Ah, the face I never saw! Is it strong?
Girl Scout: I? ... Hm. Contact maybe is good
Boy Scout: What abput? Is there anything?
Cheapo Bulletin Board: Here is dead-leaf town, dead leaf is orange, the colour of the setting sun
Pokemon: Scharlichy sound.
Woman: I'm sweaty after sporting! Does... know it [sticky]? It comes from gum-like mud of sea
Old fishingman: I'm an old fishingman. Here we are! I like fishing very much. He likes fishing. Do you like it? Yes? Maybe I get along wit you well! ... Don't stand on ceremony, please!
Head of Hobbist Club: I'm the head of hobbist Club! The fostered PET surpass 100p! As for PET, he is really talkative! Then... do you come to hear myself-satisfactory speech? ... This is Calop dance to my liking... is so lovely that everyone fondle it admiringly.
Secretary: Our president of the society is too long-winded to PET!
Cheapo Bulletin Board: Dead leaf town PET, gym the head Marcheese, Lightning American!

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 10-11

2011-07-02T13:22:00.002+01:00

Dr Aochider returns for two more parts of the abomination that is PETTRAINER, AKA Pokemon Green Engrish version.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

Roky: "You are loafing to and fro in such a place! I finally catch variety of strong and wonderful. Which, which?"
Roky: "What? Understand, understand!"
"If defeated 5 person, he will get a high-quality prize! Can win you?"
Roky: "Masachee is a fatastic of famous PET!"
Golden Ball Bridge contestants upon losing: "What a marvel!" "I can't believe it!" "I'm awfully weak." "Am I also lost?"
"The third come on! It doesn't so simple!" "How extraordinary!"
"Swing back! The fifth! I'm your opponent!"
"How extraordinary! Have defeated 5 person, congratulation!"
"Enter please! No entering? Come on! Come on! Your face doesn't like that! If you do so, you should be forced to enter! Wahoo!"
Rocket Trainer, upon losing: "Whelp! Is that truly feasible?"
Mountain Man (on losing): "Do so good!"
Miniskirt (on losing): "Not in good state."
Boy Scout (on losing): "Ha. Ha, ha..."
"Friends have many lovely PET... how angry!"
Miniskirt (on losing): "Not at all feeling wronged."
"It appears transmit machinery on the screen of PC!"
"Hello! I PET! Different! I'm Masachy! People called me the fanatic PET!"
Masachi: "Thank you very much! You've help me much! Why don't you come to enjoy my precious PET?" ... "It's good to have a ticket. But I don't like dance party and alike!" ... "You take the place of me and have a fun there."
Juvenile (upon losing): "Do not bad!"

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 7-9

2011-06-18T12:02:00.002+01:00

These three parts of Dr Aochider's playthrough have post-gameplay commentary, hence the variable audio quality. The first two vids have also been sped up to 200% to get things moving along more quickly.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

"Shorts is useful for moving. Would you like to put it on?"
"Your line of vision! Always feels not good!"
"If you do not want to contest your line of vision don't look at closely."
"Hey! Have you touched me?"
"How painful! I was stumbled over the stone it is the flying stone of pet's!"
"Having fallen a pray to a plot."
"There are suspect men sauntered to and fro in the cave. Are you?"
"Be careful! Of chibater will attack quickly!"
"Congratulation! {MONSTER NAME} is having evoluted into {XYZ}!"
"Skunk! My colleagues will never be silent!"
"It's I who lost."
"Wah! In the cave, it is so spacious!"
"It's too spacious to find an entrance."
Rocket Member: "We are doing important work! Little boyes go home quickly."
"Really do well!"
"You are also, aren't you? To explore cave?"
Juvenile: "Finally lost, really losing face!"
Mountain Man: "Wah! Gives me a scare. What? Isn't he a little boy, is he?"
"Ah! It's dangerous for children to run in all directions in the adult world!"
On trying to run from battle: "No good! Don't let the opponenet see your back whilst competing intensely!"
On dying: "{YOUR NAME} to be exhausted!"
"There have found missile in the fossil! You can make much money if you let him revive!"
Rocket Member: "H'm, I'm angry!"
Science Man: "Hi! Wait a minute, this fossil is found by me. The two are all mine!"
"Ha! Ha...! Are you making picture pet? You look very happy!"
Bike Shop sign: "Grass, cave, all is OK! Miracle, cycle."
"I want to have a bike, too. It's Honghong's bike! I don't want to dirt it. Put it up to decorate my home!"
Bike Shop owner: "Yes, yes! Welcome! Here is the shop to sell miraculous bikes! It really owns some excellent goods! Do' you want to buy?"
"Dear guest! Your money isn't enough! Terribly sorry thanks."
"Do you know unimaginable rainbow trout that can't be bought in the shop? Your level maybe enhance if you foster pet to grow up at one go."
"Yaderlan is turning a deaf ear to anyone."
"Yaderlan! Defend tenaciously in the shell! Ah, you are wrong! Pet. It's too troublesome!"
"Here is light blue city. Light blue is the colour of water, a mysterious colour."
"What a pity! This house has been stolen by thieves!"

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 4-6

2011-06-11T13:31:00.002+01:00

Dr Aochider returns to guide you through this Engrish abomination.

*Bonus: Silly Quotes*

"Though Clark very small, the front teeth can't be looked down on. Have you caught him?"
"When you are catching pet, let him get weak as your best. Pet maybe fled if he has a good strength!"
"Lost! 56#E-"
"Well if they were pet trainer, they wouldn't refuse to compete."
"The pet of others belong to others! Only throw monster ball to the wild pet, you can catch them!"
"Wait a while! Where are you hurry to?"
"Kelar. Mouse. Has long and sharp tooth which always grows up by biting off the hard objects swims with 3-toewebs in the lake."
"There are many slenders around the road, aren't there? Cut them off using the trick of pet's, then you can pass through."
"Even if slightly shows of while contestingpet, can also learn some experience!"
"Certainly can catch, can't it?"
"Dark grey is the colour of grey stone."
"Think you very much."
"I see! I see! Is it little Bika? That I'll do."
"It is said that Pipi comes from the moon."
"The man who first competes is pet on the toppest of list of pet. May take the advantage if exchanging the order! Try and have a look!"
"You said you'll challenge Tarbuichi. Earlier 10000 light years."
"Ah! Wrong! 10000 light years... doesn't indicate time! Indicates distance!"
"My insistant will reflects in my pet! Insistant and tolerance! Right! Is used."
"You, seem to neglect it slightly! Confer you a grey badge admited by alliance pet as a certificate you've won me!"
"Pet with a lightning skill. Pet with a lightning skill the skill also can become useful!"
"When being attacked, may tolerate silently. Then, redouble a punitive expedition in one vigorous effort!"
"Recently there are ruffians stealing dear fossil on the moon-admiring mountain, if you see suspect, take it to the dark grey policeman."
"Hey, you wait a movement! Just now you peep me, do you?"

Pokemon Green Engrish translation (Bootleg) [Game Boy] Playthrough PARTS 1-3

2011-06-10T21:19:00.005+01:00

Dr Aochider is an authoritative figure on PET. Join him in his quest through this strange world of mistranslation encompassing many parts. Whether it will ever be completed is up for debate, however.

*Bonus: Silly quotes*

"Boys should go to travel whenever he likes. It is said in TV."
"If I were stronger, I also can replace guard!"
"What a terrific the scientific strength is. It is said prop and pet can be transferred into data and transmitted by PC communication."
"Though we saw it, we won't do anything because Dr Aochider is an authoritative person on pet."
"You can let pet have a try if here there is petbut wait for OK."
"Ah, really! I'm shouting! Wait a movement!"
"Oh yes! Give you the sample! Please!"
"There is a height difference on the road. To jump down is really terrific, but can go back White City quickly."
"For pet, except for strength, has source of vigorous force to show trick. The gist of force, it is the gist of force for trick."
"Welcome! To our centre pet! Here of pet recovered his strength."
"The centre of pet, befroe here, whichever city has it! Check free!"
"Very zeal, do you think so?"
"That is queer ball."
"Hello! Wait a minute! Listen to me! Hi! Don't go there! I've said it to you!"
"Sparrows are twittering baa! Baa!"
"Ao! You are you come from White City?"
"You should have had of pettrainer! What is given to me?"
"Thank you, thank you very much."
"Would you be kind enough to do sth. for me?"
"You'll waste your energy through your having arrived at lotus pool."
"H'm, looks as if drunken! How painful my head is! Sometimes are you very busy?"
"All in all, seize pet propagate largely. Propogate largely, it's that contests with trainer."

Road Rash [Mega Drive] Level 5 Playthrough with Commentary (full)

2011-05-10T14:25:00.004+01:00

In case you can't be bothered watching the whole thing in parts, here's the full Road Rash Level 5 playthrough edited into one continuous video.

Full information on this playthrough can be found here.

Roland on the Ropes [Amstrad CPC] Longplay (Widescreen)

2011-05-09T18:04:00.006+01:00

Purely and simply, it's the two part Roland Let's Play merged to one 18 minute video. Except now, it's in widescreen! I've also tried to mask some of the screen blare (that's a cross between blur and glare, incidentally), though you can still tell it's a 'point at the screen' affair. Check it out...

Full information on this video can be found here.

Road Rash [Mega Drive] Level 5 Playthrough with Commentary

2011-04-12T20:12:00.002+01:00

The Yak returns to torture himself on level five of Road Rash on the Sega Mega Drive. Will he complete it before destroying his controller? Unlikely, but it's still fun to watch.

As usual, you're free to mute the videos if you don't like the sound of my voice, and a lot of people don't, so it wouldn't offend me. Just don't be all up in my face about it, yo?

Disclaimer: I cheated.

Part one

Part two

Part three

Part four

Part five

The Super Mario Challenge TV show - Retro Yakking Reviews

2011-02-11T13:05:00.009Z

Back at the start of the Nineties video game television was all the rage. Amongst the veritable sea of formal, informative stuff was Super Mario Challenge, a satellite TV-only teatime head to head style affair, and pretty cheesy it was too.

Many an afternoon kids would rush back from school to enjoy TCC's own flagship mindless Mazza cash-in, forgoing Knightmare and Blue Peter in favour of the acting talents of John Lenahan.

Credits theme by bboynoe: "Luigi Plays Super Mario Brothers 3 - Overworld 2 Theme On Guitar." Watch it. It's cool.

Appeal: if you have any footage of SMC, please let me know! After one episode I'm hooked.

South Korea win the World League - International Superstar Soccer 64 commentary with special guest Skidgle: ISS64 [Nintendo 64]

2011-02-02T14:25:00.007Z

Skidgle, an acquaintance of mine, is looking at starting a video game review channel. To get him into the swing of things, I suggested we record a commentary or two together last weekend. Though this video wasn't the main focus of our attentions, which you'll find out more about soon, I think it produced one or two interesting points that might make it worthy of an Internet upload.

See if you can spot the new title card for 2011! Well, I suppose it isn't hard, all you need to do is press the play button.

Here's a link to the 40-goal game.

Skidgle's channel will be online soon with a grand launch video starring myself. For those remotely interested, I'll keep you posted on that.

Game Reviewer Archive: Fat Mann Judgeth (UrinatingTree) videos now online

2011-01-24T19:17:00.005Z

For one reason or other, it seems every video game reviewer goes through a 'mid-life crisis', a symptom of which is the systematic removal of all traces of their work from the Internet in an attempt to move on.

Tired of his favourite video game reviews constantly disappearing from YouTube, Guru Larry, AKA Larry Bundy Junior, AKA That Bloke What Used to be on Games World has taken it upon it himself to create an archive of such videos for us all to enjoy 'til our backsides fall off.

Larry is currently in the process of adding Hellsing and Urinating Tree videos to the Game Reviewer Archive, a noble quest to create a one stop shop (except it's not really a shop because it's all free) containing the best the web gaming community has to offer. It's growing nicely, too, with each new uploaded video upscaled to 480p, so now (well, soon) you can watch your favourite Armake21 videos in supreme quality.

For my part, I've already contributed a bunch of UrinatingTree vids which have been uploaded to the channel over the weekend. I have a fairly comprehensive selection of these, and am in the process of exporting them all one by one in mp4 to try and clean up some of the little glitches and bugs in the original upload. It's by no means a quick process, especially with most of my time eaten up by real life commitments of late, but eventually I plan to get through them all. Next up is Superman, and after that who knows?

Urinating Tree's Batman Forever review (Warning: profanity)

International Cricket Captain 2001 [PSX] Guerrilla Review

2011-01-23T14:08:00.002Z

I absolutely love the International Cricket Captain Series and intend to do some proper reviews about it one day, but in the meantime here's a jolly jape recorded one evening last week.

The actual full length video is over 35 minutes, but I'm sure you'd find that rather boring so here's a massively cut down version containing mainly the review elements. It's still quite long, but more suitable for public consumption. I plan to upload the full version somewhere at some point, in case you're interested.

Finally, apologies for the quality. I really need a new camera, or at least try and get my computer recording sound again. Meantime, try and enjoy this if you can :-)

Armake21, AKA BoxedEntertainment, speaks about the closure of his latest YouTube channel (January 2011)

2011-01-16T18:19:00.010Z

Update July 2011: I'll just leave this here.

Revisiting some of the files I've been bringing together for Guru Larry's (postponed?) Video Game Reviewers archive, I noticed that Armake21 has once again closed his YouTube Channel. Bummer! I was gonna download some better quality versions of his Action 52 epic, which I think is fantastic.

Here's an explanation from the man himself.

"I'm guessing Marcus just got tired of the bullshit" - Yeah, pretty much.

There are a few who are going to write off that account closing as drunken behavior, but I knew exactly what I was doing at the time. I had left a notice on the sidebar that also warned that I would be closing up shop, but I'm guessing very few people paid attention to it, but to make a long story short-

Things had been going downhill for a while, and I have come to accept the almost rapid decline in quality when I decided to do the "Context Sensitive" series, and in turn attempted to combine a game review series with an storyline to be followed at the same time.

That said, I knew that if I made a big deal of my leaving the review scene and in general YouTube(I keep this channel just to watch vids and occasionally comment), the vultures would swoop in and call it a "cry for pity" as they have before, but also that if I just closed up shop with almost no warning, the vultures would swoop in anyway, and in the process make as many of the remaining fans of both the old and new works think I did it to be a asshole.

That said, I will always remember the comments and response from various people, both the good and bad, and in the end I learned and grew a whole lot, both when it comes to making videos, but also about my own strengths and weaknesses, and I learned to accept that even I could, and did screw up things more then once.

So to all the old and new fans of these videos, and anyone who has left a comment on my previous accounts in the past, know this-

You all contributed to me growing as a film maker, and as a person. So from me to you:

Thank you.

There you have it. Armake is presumably still active over at the Dead Horse Interchange, which he jumped on board with some months ago. For the uninitiated, it's basically run by Mr Montmorency and includes many of your old favourites such as the Fat Mann and Ebeeto. As you might expect, it's horribly profane and toilet humour filled, just the way we like it.

ArmakeArchive still exists, and the above comment from Marc0 was actually posted as a comment there, so you can still check out his work there.

Metal Gear Solid [PSX]: Dumb Guards (with commentary)

2011-01-02T11:59:00.001Z

Oh man, this commentary was loads of fun to make. Such is the timeless nature of MGS guard slaughtering, there's still plenty here for those who've seen the original machinima version. In fact, you might possibly be slightly amused by some of the additions since that video, so watch this now!

Apologies for any dropoff in quality from the original recording. This only appeared after I exported the thing, I swear!

Also, Happy New Year!

Cop Botherer - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas [PS2]

2010-12-24T17:51:00.005Z

More of my favourite pastime in San Andreas - taking on the cops! The footage in this video has been sped up by 33%, Benny Hill style to improve the pacing and such. Also it's much funnier. Includes the most epic train crash of all time!

MTS Crashes

Advanced Lawnmower Simulator [ZX Spectrum] by CollieUK - Commentary

2010-12-12T13:31:00.000Z

I note that Mr. Bigglesworth, or whatever his real name is, has given my good self a brief mention --albeit in text format-- in a recent video of his. To repay the favour, here's a bit of a shoutout to the man in the form of a commentary of my favourite Collie video.

Well mown, sir!

The San Andreas Shoveller [Halloween Special] - GTA:SA [PS2]

2010-10-24T19:26:00.002+01:00

Halloween is fast approaching, and do you know what that means? Yes, it's time to break out the clichéd classical music and tenuous links to ghosts, zombies and beasts that just generally prowl in the night.

This particular creature patrols the streets of San Andreas all day long, terrorising pedestrians with some random implement he found in his garden shed. What is it? Well, I would say you'd have to watch the video to find out, but the answer's actually in the title. Oh well.

PGA Tour '96 [Mega Drive, 1995] video review

2010-10-20T21:34:00.001+01:00

If ever there were an example of the old adage 'graphics don't make the game', then this must surely be it. Yep, I can think of worse, but making the Mega Drive do the job of a Mega CD was, whilst ambitious, slightly ill guided.

Premier Manager [Mega Drive] video review [YouTube Edit]

2010-10-17T19:17:00.000+01:00

Seasoned Yak watchers will know this video is nothing new, in fact it's over a year old. Since I'm playing the game once again and I never actually uploaded this first time round (at that point it was a Blip.tv exclusive), here's a made-for-YouTube version with some of the lengthier points cut out.

Longer version

PGA Tour '96 [Mega Drive, 1995] review

2010-10-17T19:13:00.015+01:00

The year was 1995, and everyone was so excited about the 3DO they'd sell their granny to even so much as try one. Amid all this hype, EA Sports attempted to launch PGA Tour 96, with its 'revolutionary' vector graphics, for the ageing Mega Drive.

Whilst this was indeed a bold attempt at pushing the console to its limits, the downsides were all too obvious for anyone who tried to play the game for more than ten minutes. After the initial 'wow, look at those fantastic graphics!' factor, players would soon realise the thing runs about as quickly as Geoff Capes in a fat suit on a rain-sodden Hackney Marshes. Whilst local kids throw wet sponges and rotten fruit at him.

These new graphical enhancements took their toll on the MD's processor to the extent it could take anything from 8 to 20 seconds just for the scenery to appear. The Spyglass Hill course in particular, with its ten million trees and bunkers, takes longer to load than Renegade on the Amstrad CPC464. Which is pretty long, and not half as enjoyable.

Yes, the rendered courses were all very picturesque, and the digitised swings of some of the top pro golfers of the time were no doubt impressive.

The game itself introduced some excellent features such as visible hills and troughs, which really would affect the path of the ball, especially on the green. It's also far easier to hole shots from 100 yards, making for some spectacular moments that almost make the whole thing worth it.

Other tweaks such as difficulty levels were welcome additions, and should have made for longevity of gameplay. Unfortunately, though, the Pro setting requires the timing of a superhuman to even hit the ball straight. It'll be a good few years before you can even think about moving on to that, especially with those epic loading times which even the original old Speccy would be proud of.

That leads us conveniently on to the nub of the problem. Whereas later games such as FIFA 98 knew and paid due attention to the Mega Drive's limits, PGA Tour 96 simply tried to do too much with a console that was nearing the end of its natural life by 1995. Sure, it was around this time the likes of Premier Manager really got the most out of ageing technology with its 32MB battery backup. But this version of PGA Tour was just a step too far for the humble Mega Drive.

Breakdown

Recommended prequels: All of 'em

Get if: you have a lot of patience and time to spare. This isn't one of those golf games where you can rush through 18 holes in 18 minutes.

Avoid if: you don't like the pace of golf at the best of times. Because this will have you cheesed off pretty quickly.

Game Info

PGA Tour '96 [Mega Drive] - also available for 3DO, DOS , PlayStation and SNES

More info at MobyGames

Buy this game

Rarity Rating: [10=extremely rare] 4.
Buy at eBay. Price ranges from £1 to £5 not including P&P
There are still quite a few copies knocking around, especially on the internet, these days. Depending on where you live, you might also stumble across a boxless version in the odd bargain bin or perhaps at a boot sale.

Video review

Brian Lara Cricket 96 [Mega Drive] A Calamity of Cricket

2010-09-26T18:27:00.007+01:00

This is just a temporary departure from the commentaries I've been doing of late. And yes, you'll be pleased (or perhaps not) to hear that more are on their way, it's just a case of finding time to complete, export and upload them.

Here I have a bit of fun with Lara 96, focusing on some of the funnier moments from the game itself. Nothing too heavy, just a compilation of humorous little quirks and fielding slip-ups edited together in a weekend from a couple of play sessions. Enjoy.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas [PS2] Fun With the Tank

2010-09-04T16:37:00.006+01:00

The tank is perhaps the most powerful vehicle in the whole of San Andreas. Not only is it impenetrable, but any vehicle that touches it bursts into flames! What fun.

This video outlines how to obtain the tank from Area 69 before using it to cause mentalism in the city of San Andreas. It's useful for completing the Vigilante missions, but best of all it's good for blowing stuff up. Oh yeah.

Brian Lara Cricket [PSX] Weirdness - Commentary

2010-09-04T13:54:00.004+01:00

Some time ago I uploaded a bunch of Brian Lara Cricket videos with one of my other accounts. Two of these are revisited in this commentary which takes a 'humorous' look at some of the stranger moments in the game. See it as the video I *should* have uploaded, if you will.

The two vids in question:

The quality isn't too great because somewhere along the line I lost the source files, which means the footage you see here is grabbed from - yep, you guessed it - the very YouTube videos I uploaded way back at the beginning of 2007.

Rehashed, yes, but console yourselves in the fact I have one or two 'new' vids to come in the near future.

Sultan's Maze [Amstrad CPC] - Bog Standard Reviews

2010-08-20T18:26:00.009+01:00

This is another of those older reviews I recently salvaged from my dying computer (which I have since managed to save, yeah!). The audio noise (including police siren bleeping) has been removed but, due to the slow nature of the game, it gets a bit annoying in parts. That's Sultan's Maze for you.

Also to point out this game is pretty rank despite the fact this vid's commentary sometimes borders on praise. Let it be known that this game fully deserves the mantle of Bog Standard.

ISS64 Does World Cup 2010 - South Africa v Mexico

2010-06-12T14:34:00.004+01:00

It's the contest you've all been waiting for! With the World Cup finally underway, Retro Yakking introduces a special video that pits the hosts South Africa against Mexico in a rerun of the first match of the 2010 competition.

Not really a review, more a commentary on the game, though there are a few bits of critical analysis in there.

More of the same to come, perhaps.

International Superstar Soccer 64 [N64] detailed team guide

2010-06-06T12:38:00.027+01:00

I've revisited the main ISS64 strategy guide over the weekend, fixing one or two things and adding some brand new pics.

It was always a plan to include a more detailed list of teams and their statistics, but as you can see that post is getting quite long now. You can view this entry as an addendum to the 'teams' section, with a few more pointers and concrete stats on the best and worst teams in the game.

Team stats

Team                        Of   Df   Tot
-----------------------------------------
World Stars                 99   99   99
All American Stars          98   95   97
Brazil                      98   94   96
Euro Stars B                95   94   95
Euro Stars A                92   96   94
Germany                     91   95   93
Italy                       87   98   93
England                     90   89   90
France                      85   89   87
Holland                     92   80   86
Argentina                   89   83   86
African Stars               80   81   86
Czech Republic              85   84   85
Russia                      83   84   84
Bulgaria                    91   77   84
Nigeria                     90   78   84
Colombia                    88   80   84
Spain                       81   84   83
Romania                     84   79   82
Mexico                      81   82   82
Uruguay                     84   80   82
Scotland                    78   83   81
Switzerland                 80   79   80
Portugal                    81   79   80
Croatia                     89   71   80
South Africa                80   77   79
Norway                      78   75   77
Denmark                     79   78   77
Sweden                      82   72   77
Ireland                     75   79   77
Asian Stars                 75   78   77
U.S.A                       71   81   76
Wales                       73   72   73
Northern Ireland            71   75   73
Poland                      73   70   72
Belgium                     73   69   71
Austria                     67   74   71
Greece                      61   77   69
Cameroon                    75   63   69
Japan                       61   71   66
Turkey                      69   61   65
Republic of Korea           63   59   61

World Stars are, somewhat predictably, the best team in the game, bringing together the skill of the South American giants and power of the European sides.

Of the 'proper' teams, Brazil are the best, outranking even the Euro Stars teams in terms of total skill. Their star striker, Allejo, is by far the game's highest ranking attacker with a total score of 86 and a shot accuracy of 99.

Germany and Italy represent the best of the European challenge, the latter possessing the best defensive ability in the game. Their frontline is also not to be sniffed at, with each of their three strikers rating 80 or above.

England have improved significantly from their previous outing in ISS Deluxe, promoted to the fourth best team (and the cross of St. George is now centred like it should be). T. Keegan (FW, rates 80), J. Platt (MF, 77) and F. Morley (MF/FW, 76) are the guys to look out for here.

Holland have a superb attack, with some quality centre midfield/forward players and an excellent goalkeeper. Koppers (MF/FW, 80) and Visscher (MF/FW, 81) are the star guys.

Bulgaria are also a surprisingly good attacking team, with Penev (MF/FW, 78) Milakov (MF/FW, 75) rating highest.

South Korea are the game's worst team, with a decidedly average defence (a mere 59) and poor stamina levels. Each of their players look rather similar, indicating the programmers didn't even bother creating individual faces. Maybe they thought nobody would ever pick them? Only Kim (69), in the centre of midfield, possesses any real skill.

Come to think of it, none of the Asian teams are very well represented, indicated by the quite frankly rubbish Asian Stars. Still, at least they're better than Wales, only just.

Speaking of Wales, they have a fantastic attacker in the form of Melville, who I guess is supposed to represent Ryan Giggs. He's let down only by his stamina, down at a respectable 79, but he's otherwise a great player. Left midfielder J. Walker is also worth looking out for.

Scotland represent the batch of modest, fairly-good-but-not-exceptional teams in the game, with each of their players in the 60s. Goalie G. McCall and attacker McLaren (both 68) are their star men. Northern Ireland don't really have anything to shout about, but their midfield playmaker, Mahoney, has some skill at 65. Republic of Ireland fare slightly better, though they are still outperformed by Scotland, who were something of a force in the mid-90s.

Of the African teams, Nigeria are certainly the best, possessing a good, all-round team and a potent attacking lineup. South Africa far outrank Cameroon, with a few 67s in there to save themselves from mediocrity.

Argentina aren't as good as you might expect in ISS64. Heck, even England are better, somehow! They're still a decent side, though, with their fair share of excellent attackers - Fuerte (81), Hajo (76) and Redonda (79). A force to be reckoned with, indeed.

Fellow South Americans Uruguay are not to be dismissed, either, as they have an attack averaging 73 and some solid central defenders. Colombia are fairly similar, but have the phlegmatic centre-mid playmaker Murillo to boast in addition. Overall, the American sides are extremely well represented, as you might expect from their real life counterparts.

FIFA '98: Road to the World Cup [Mega Drive] video review

2010-06-05T21:28:00.012+01:00

Edited together on a Bank Holiday afternoon off. Yay for not having anything to do!

I always intended this as a one-day project done in a few hours with no revisions or re-recordings. As a result, there are tons of little inaccuracies in here, like the fact FIFA didn't appear on the Dreamcast, or ISS Deluxe was released just one year before this game. I don't believe AEK Athens are in the game either. Couldn't be bothered going back to fix them though, and anyway, grant me a bit of artistic license, eh?

Xanagrams [Amstrad CPC] video review

2010-04-21T13:58:00.006+01:00

This is, in actual fact, my very first attempt at a video game review from way back in September 2008 (which explains the dated copyright screen). Up until a couple of days ago, it lay untouched complete with horrible audio quality on my old computer. Now, thanks to the wonders of audio cleaning technology, I present to you a hissless version of my cacky Xanagrams review. Oh lucky you!

I also note this is the first ever Xanagrams YouTube video. A landmark, if only in my own mind.

Harrier Attack [Amstrad CPC] Bog Standard Review

2010-04-19T19:49:00.007+01:00

At last! The Harrier Attack beeping review the way it was meant to be... kind of. Thanks to advances in compootah technology, Retro Yakking is proud to present to you an audio cleaned, high quality version of one of its first reviews. Minted, I'm sure you'll agree.

This video re-edits the original capture to sync up the audio a bit better, remove the intrusive beeping and bump up the contrast so you can actually see what's going on. Which is what you've all been waiting for, I'm sure.

Sadly there were one or two things I could not fix, but then the aforementioned technology has not yet extended to plagiarism or boringness filters, sadly. Oh yeah, and you can just about hear the faint remnants of the bleeping in parts. Do not worry, this is normal.

Roland on the Ropes [Amstrad CPC] The LP

2010-04-15T12:39:00.009+01:00

Mwahah! Time for something a little bit different, methinks. This Let's Play / Longplay video was recorded on the same afternoon as the Fruit Machine guerilla review and hence uses the same method of 'pointing the camera at the screen and talking over it like a wally'. Fun eh?

Apologies for the substandard audio and video quality here, but I guess that's the nature of the medium. After all, considering the state of my computer it's actually physically difficult to record this kind of thing any other way, unless you like putting up with audio skips and such like. Which I suppose you don't.

Nonetheless, I hope for a higher quality product to be winging its way to you for our next video instalment. As for what that might be, who knows? I haven't actually been doing much recording or even playing games recently, but I will say a project is in the offing. As usual, I won't promise too much in case something goes badly wrong, but I will say I'm working on something that's a bit of a change from the usual.

Ooh, what is it? You'll have to wait and see. Meantime, here's Row-laaahnd.

Part one

Part two

Fruit Machine [Amstrad CPC] guerrilla review

2010-02-02T15:56:00.004Z

The previous guerrilla review was so unsuccessful I decided to bring it back for another instalment. This time round, it's Fruit Machine, one of those simple games that came packaged with the Amstrad CPC back in the mid-1980s.

It isn't overly repulsive and functions well for a small slot machine simulation. Obviously it's a bit limited and might have been better had there been some way of storing high scores, though I dunno if one ever existed for this format.

Please enjoy me dragging out a four-minute review to a ten minute longplay of a single game session. Oh well, at least this one's in colour.

Once again Collie, I apologise for blatantly ripping you off.

Roland on the Ropes [Amstrad CPC] video review

2010-02-01T20:55:00.003Z

You don't know the sheer effort it took to make this vid, simply because it was created on my old (beeping) computer and it took me ages to find some way of getting it onto my new one. In short, the project file has been nothing but trouble, a long story I will not bore you with.

Anyway, this is an older review from 2008, which I re-recorded audio for just this week, actually. It's heavily based on a short written review I composed right here on the Retro Yakking blog some time ago.

I have more of this old stuff ready, so that may be on the way. But I warn you, most of it isn't pretty.

Download this video: FLV

Premier Manager [Mega Drive] video review

2010-01-31T18:26:00.005Z

Don't expect too much with this one: whereas the Premier Manager '97 commentary contained some comic relief, this is more of a serious analysis of the game... after all, it's quite difficult to find funny things to say about management games such as these.

It's actually the first vid I made with my newer Mega Drive system, which, as you might be able to tell, has a clearer picture. The Super Hang on Review, though posted first, was edited afterwards chronologically. Yeah, you didn't really need to know that.

For a written review of this game, see this post.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas [PS2]: Unseen Highway Carnage [video]

2010-01-25T11:30:00.005Z

A little treat for the Playstation fans out there, as a bit of a celebration of 10,000 video views -- I hear it's the in-thing to do on YouTube these days -- here's some bits that never made it into the GTA:San Andreas 2-part commentary.

Why? Well, they either didn't fit in with the narrative of the vids or were chopped out to try and keep the video lengths down. Yeah, I'm aware people have short attention spans, if my own is anything to go by.

Get ready for some more explosions and pointless drivel!

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas [PS2] - Carnage & commentary/review [Recut]

2010-01-24T18:28:00.008Z

I've been taking an axe to some archive files over the weekend and resolved to get the Blip channel up-to-date, so that's exactly what I've been doing.

Here's a ten-minute cut of the San Andreas vid. What's in this version can be considered more of a review, with actual commentary on gameplay and fun things to do in the game... namely blowing stuff up.

Super Hang On [Mega Drive] video review

2010-01-21T14:32:00.004Z

Recorded when I had time to load up my Mega Drive again, but evidently not enough to play through the game. Thank goodness for cheating, or should I say the Internet, from which I pinched a simple final level code. Yup, I lost the little bit of paper I wrote passwords on - you know, the one you always put in the box with the manual.

From the second half of last year -- couldn't tell you when exactly, but it explains the '2009' note at the end of the video for you.

Commentary is a bit cardboard, so forgive me for that. In fact, don't: call me a rip-off hack with no skills or talent whatsoever.

Metal Gear Solid - Dumbarse Guards [PSX]

2010-01-10T17:49:00.004Z

The Genome Soldiers in Metal Gear Solid must win the award for least intelligent video game characters, at least on the Playstation. This was brought to my attention recently when I began to play the game again for the first time in five years.

Now, I don't profess to be any good at it, quite the contrary, in fact: even with my rusty marksmanship and weak muscle memory I still managed to outwit the guards on more than one occasion. Mind you, I WAS using stealth camouflage most of the time.

I originally had a commentary lined up for this but decided not to include it and the let the cinematic and atmospheric nature of the game speak for itself.

Gameplay is on the easy level to accentuate the stupidity of the guards.
Recorded from a PS1 onto VHS, ripped to DVD then edited using computer software. Exported in AVI.

Commentary for this vid may appear on my blip account at some point in the future.

Five full-on minutes of NBA Jam dunkage [Mega Drive]

2010-01-09T15:40:00.006Z

This compilation vid was actually created around the time I did the written review of NBA Jam, but due to its poor quality never saw the light of day. Scraping through some of the files on my old computer I got some enjoyment out of it, so decided to resurrect it in all its artefacted glory!

Letterboxed and re-audioed from the original, though the original titles remain the same.

Update and Championship Manager 01/02

2009-12-15T22:46:00.009Z

With Wigan Athletic, abject failure has never been so much fun!

Absolutely nobody has been asking where the heck I've been, but I thought I'd best update the people out in Internetland as to why I haven't posted for 2 months.

Well, I go through 2-3 week phases where I feel like rambling about video games and then stop almost as soon as I've started. Doesn't mean I've disappeared completely (unlike the selection of retro games in local second hand shops), just temporarily while I'm pursuing other projects. And real life, which sucks, but what can you do?

Recently I've rediscovered the wonders of Championship Manager 01/02 for the PC, which, to my surprise, still has an extremely active community of gamers. There's something magical about taking Mudhuts FC through the divisions to the Premier League and European glory, though I have to admit I've got nowhere near that as yet. Still, I'm a lot better than I used to be.

Better yet, the game is available for free download on one of the official Champ Man websites. I really can't find which one, but take a trip to your local games shop and you'll probably find a version for fifty pence or something. I can't comment on its quality in comparison with the newer versions as I've only played the 2007 incarnation briefly, but I have to say I'm really enjoying it.

About a month ago I was mildly addicted to Popcap's Zuma, and started a video review on that but who knows if that'll ever see the light of day. Speaking of which, I do have a couple of almost-completed vids up my sleeve to come, and I plan to upload a slightly elongated version of the San Andreas commentary over on Blip.

That's all for the future, though. Right now, I have other stuff to attend to, so until next time, don't step in front of moving vehicles and do what your mother tells you.

Premier Manager series [Mega Drive] - the final word (maybe)

2009-10-05T17:01:00.004+01:00

I wanted to give a bit of an overview about the Mega Drive Premier Manager games in comparison with the PC versions and other football management games of the time.

I was going to do a regular post on this, but I haven't uploaded a video in a while so decided to make a bit of a vlog type thing instead. The whole thing was recorded and edited together relatively quickly as a one-day project, so it isn't that in-depth, but briefly explains what I was going to put into words anyway.

Premier Manager [Mega Drive, 1995] quick hints

2009-10-02T19:53:00.016+01:00

Premier Manager for the Mega Drive can be an exceedingly difficult game, so you'll need all the help you can get as you attempt to bring your squad from Division Three also-rans to Premier League contenders. Here's a few quick hints which will also work on the 97 version, and possibly the Windows/DOS version.

Some general notes

The instruction manual talks about shooting distance quite a bit, explaining that the better players will be able to score from further away. However, you have to take into account the relative skill level of the opposition, which, apart from the cup ties, is likely to be round about the same as you. Unless you're up against an absolute donkey of a goalkeeper you'll be pretty lucky to hit the net from anywhere outside the penalty area. I don't recommend long range shooting as a general tactic - I usually get more success from medium.

One thing that's always annoyed me slightly about the Premier Manager series is the skill ratings indication system, where a level out of 100 and a written form like 'V Good *****' (see screengrab below) are interchangeable. This is most annoying when employing staff - their percentage stat isn't available, which can result in you having to consult the manual every ten minutes to try and find out whether 'outstanding' is better than 'exceptional'. Here's a better way of ascertaining staff skill: look at their wages. Generally, at the very toppermost level, just over £1,800 is the best you can get.

This will sound incredibly obvious, but... the best way to keep players' morale up is to win: if you're steamrollering everything in your path, then even subs and reserve players will benefit. It does make a world of difference to your performance, especially in a 50:50 match situation.

Coaches/Youth team

Once you're in the Premier League, you'll get access to the better youth team coaches. This will allow you to bring in higher quality players from the youth academy - think 18 year olds with skill ratings of 75+ when they are promoted to senior level. With a good team of coaches (check the Job Centre each month when the sponsorship deals come up for renewal), these can be trained up to 99 within a few years, and are slightly more financially beneficial than bringing in new blood via the transfer market.

For the reason outlined above, I don't recommend using the transfer market unless you really need to. Players are pretty much always overpriced, and that's before you take into account their wages, which can cost you a bomb. Invest in youth - it may take a bit longer but will be better in the long term. Of course, if time is of the essence, then you may have no choice but to buy. This might require selling two of your existing players, which is always a bit of a risk, but one you may have to take.

Note: Look out for the youth players named after members of the programming team such as Atkinson, Lister and Casson. They aren't necessarily any better than any of the others, but it is curious that programmers succumb to vanity: see International Cricket Captain etc.

Stadium and sponsorship

The higher a stand's capacity, the more sponsorship offers you are likely to get for it. Building covering will also allow you to have more hoardings on that stand. If you feel so inclined, take your time when selecting sponsors to ensure you're filling all the space available on the hoardings: in particular, look for Pay Per Week deals.

Status update: what's going on at RY Towers

2009-10-01T17:32:00.006+01:00

Don't worry, I haven't died.. well not yet, anyway. I'm currently playing Premier Manager to death, seeing if I can create a team with completely maxed out stats. Dunno if it's possible, as if it's any similar to International Cricket Captain (the original one) I'll most likely be forced to retire after about 20 seasons, scuppering my attempts!

Elsewhere, I managed to pick up a few Mega Drive games for a quid each from the boot sale on Sunday, but I haven't had time to test them out yet. When I do, perhaps we shall have some more guerrilla reviews, hopefully of higher quality this time.

Just another quick shout out for the YouTube channel, where I intend to upload a couple of non-review vids at some point in the future. Should I get time, it would be nice to create a few more lo-tech, cheaply and easily made vids that don't require massive amounts of editing or fiddling around with. Watch out for those, and keep an eye out for more vids.

Streets of Rage [Mega Drive] Guerrilla Reviews

2009-09-25T15:38:00.009+01:00

Introducing Guerrilla Reviews, a (perhaps) new series of lo-tech point-the-camera-at-the-TV style vids in the same vein as Collie's Inept Reviews. In this particular video, I play Streets of Rage on the Mega Drive for the very first time. Don't expect too much - the quality isn't that great, but watching it back, I found the narration was pretty funny, so here it is in all its crummy glory.

Pele's World Tournament Soccer [Mega Drive] Timewasting Tactic

2009-09-24T17:08:00.000+01:00

Presenting the wizard of the dribble:

Premier Manager 97 [Mega Drive] video commentary/review

2009-09-24T11:01:00.005+01:00

This is another one of those 'play the game for a bit then narrate over the top of it' style videos, edited down from about 20 minutes to contain the most relevant bits. Seems there isn't an awful lot of love for this game on YouTube, but I am certain the devotees will soon emerge from the cupboard, as there is no doubting Premier Manager for the Mega Drive is a cult classic.

This is the '97 version, as reviewed briefly in an earlier post.

Cartridges are becoming increasingly hard to find

2009-09-23T15:05:00.008+01:00

I popped into my local Gamestation yesterday to see if I could grab myself some bargains, but was in for a bit of a shock. There were a couple of games in particular that were selling for waaay more than anything else in the retro games section - Phantasy Star II & III. I am aware of this series, though I didn't know that the games were so rare that shops would slap a price tag of £25 on them over 20 years after their original release.

Still, at least this shop actually had Mega Drive game carts. I spent a large part of Sunday morning looking through second hand game shops in Bolton, to no avail. I did find a PGA European Tour cart at the bottom of a box in a charity shop, but guess what? I already have that. Maybe I should've picked it up for a quid anyway.

Apart from the Phantasy Star 'revelation', there were one or two good deals in the Wigan Gamestation. I picked up a Mega Drive II with two controllers, Mega Games II, Sonic, Bart vs. the Space Mutants and Shadow of the Beast II for ten quid (pictured above). I've done a video about this in which I brag about how good it is - you might see that at some point in the next few days, so watch out.

I also got a copy of PC Brian Lara Cricket 2005 for the bargain price of 98 pence. Hmm, I wonder if that's a clue as to whether this game sucks? Anyhow, I now own the original BLC, Lara 96, Lara 99 and now BLC05 so that sounds a bit like a series review doesn't it? Don't hold your breath...

Currently uploading to YouTube is a new guerrilla review, but don't get your hopes up too much. The quality isn't that great, but I found the commentary quite funny. The game is Streets of Rage on the Mega Drive, which surprisingly I hadn't ever played up until yesterday evening.

The Yak's YouTube channel

Premier Manager 97 [Mega Drive, 1996] review

2009-09-21T21:40:00.023+01:00

The image in Friday's post is a bit of a clue as to what the heck I've been doing over the weekend. Aside from witnessing another crushing defeat for Wigan Athletic against Arsenal, I've once again dug out my old copy (copies) of Premier Manager on the Mega Drive for another look. Things can only get better from here, eh?

For the uninitiated, the Premier Manager series started back in the early 90s on the PC, Atari and a few other consoles. When it was ported to the Mega Drive in 1995, it spelled a whole load of wasted weekends for console management fanatics, not least me: I never had a PC back then, so this was my first experience of footy management games.

Firstly, I was extremely surprised to see a video game with English football teams. Back then, my whole game library consisted of American and Japanese video games like John Madden, Sonic the Hedgehog and EA Hockey. Course, Premier Manager wasn't the first console game to use the English leagues, Striker had done that a whole three years before (albeit with hilariously named player parodies) and I daresay a few other carts bore the Premier League licence prior to '95. But to me, this made the game massively attractive. The prospect of taking my beloved Wigan Athletic from Third Division no-hopers -- as they were at the time -- from the pits of despair to the top of the table was too tempting an opportunity to pass up.

Fifteen years later and how times have changed. My goal of getting the Latics to the Premiership had actually been achieved in real life, without the aid of a computer game. Or maybe so, I dunno if Wigan's chairman Dave Whelan is a closet Champ Manager fan or something.

Somewhere along the line I managed to obtain a copy of the 1997 version of the game. It isn't all that dissimilar to the original - only a few minor graphical and technical tweaks and a new soundtrack differentiate this from the 1995 release. Most importantly, however, it's got the all-new 1997 season players such as... well, I won't name them all here, but get ready to be battered by the likes of Paul Peschisolido, Clive Mendonca (awesome player in the game) and Alan Shearer as you work your way up through the leagues. Lemme tell you, this is a verrrry difficult task for even the most hardened of Premier Manager veterans. You literally have to take things one game at a time and get into some of the finer points of the game if you want to be really successful - something that'll take a long while to master. Aside from squad shuffling, there's hiring and firing of staff, promotion of youth players, training, injuries and dabbling in the transfer market should you so choose.

A Mega Drive nut? If statistics and football are your type of thing, then Premier Manager is the game for you. I know that's a pretty small margin to fall within, but I'm sure you lot are out there!

Such is my level of fanaticism for this game that I recently purchased a second copy. I wanted to start a new saved game without wiping my old one, in which I'd managed to steer the mighty Latics to the toppermost division of the English leagues. As it happened, some other bloke named Ste had also done this on the saved game of my newest copy - much better than me in fact. Blast, and I thought I was the PM champ! Check out my commentary (video below) for some more info on this.

Breakdown

Recommended sequels: Premier Manager '99 (PSX)

Get if: You liked any of the earlier versions or want a footy management game for a fourth generation console. As far as I can see, there aren't really any others.

Avoid if: You don't like football, stats or games where you have little control over the immediate action.

Game Info

Premier Manager '97 [Mega Drive] - Also available for PC

Buy this game:

Rarity rating [10=extremely rare]: 4
Buy@eBay for around £5
One of the later games, so you may find it floating around somewhere. If you live in America, then sorry but I don't believe it was ever released on your side of the pond.

Video commentary/review (more info)

Quick hints

For some tips on Premier Manager and Premier Manager 97 for the Mega Drive, see here.

Pele's World Tournament Soccer [Mega Drive] video review

2009-09-19T21:44:00.003+01:00

An interesting one this. When I bought this game about eight years ago, I played it a couple of times and never touched it again, until the other week. From what I could recall, I remember the presentation being absolutely awesome - better even than FIFA. Well, it isn't that good, but anyway, watch the video to find out.

See if you can spot:

The blatant Urinatingtree homage
The deliberate narration error

Blip.tv channel

2009-09-15T21:55:00.000+01:00

Retro Yakkage now has a channel on Blip.tv. The advantage of this over YouTube will be the quality of video, which I will reserve for Blip. I'm in the process of uploading the better reviews (the video reviews) to the channel, so check back in the next few days to see the vids in superb(ish) quality. At least, that's the plan. Hopefully this will go better than the Stage6 experiment...

Anyway, this may or may not comprise other retro-related stuff, we'll have to wait and see.

Additionally, I have a new review ready to export and upload. That may take a while, but be patient and ye shall have a brand new video review within a few days. Wahey!

Columns [Mega Drive] - video review

2009-09-04T19:59:00.001+01:00

This is a review from some time earlier this year. Due to my poor Internet connection, I never got the time to upload it (this 80Mb video would have taken the best part of six hours), plus I was considering the possibility of making a Mega Games I (Super Hang On, Italia '90 and Columns) 3-in-1 review. That plan was ditched, though you may see reviews of those other games at some point in the future.

Update 18/9: I've got a Super Hang On review in the works, so hold on to your hats!

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas [PS2] - Carnage & commentary/review

2009-09-03T17:39:00.002+01:00

I'm not really sure how to describe this one. It started out life as two separate projects based on the same footage: an explosions video and a commentary type thing. You may see both of these at some point -- I am considering creating a blip.tv account for those longer, let's play style vids -- but for now, make do with a cut down, twelve minute edit that condenses all the best bits for viewing on YouTube.

I suppose it could be termed a commentary come review, make of it what you will. One thing's for certain, there's an awful lot of carnage going on.

Don't let the video game bullies get you down

2009-08-28T18:16:00.002+01:00

As a long(ish)-time user of YouTube, there isn't that much that gets on my wick any more. Any subscriber will agree that it's a complete minefield of ego-bashers and general eejits leaving disparaging, irritating comments, especially on the more popular videos.

It does not surprise me that many gamers choose to disable comments for their videos, as it is increasingly difficult to find time to moderate and go through single one of them with a fine tooth comb.

But there's one type of comment that still gets to me somewhat. You may have seen them: "this game sucks, there are lots of newer games you know", "of course, you'll never want to play this game ever again because there is a sequel out". In my mind, as so many others, I envisage these as eleven-year-old 'trendy' types that think the newer games are cool just because everyone else has them.

"Oh, you're still playing on GTA: San Andreas? That game is rubbish, GTA IV is where it's at." It may well be true that GTA4 has updated graphics, newer features etc., but in many ways it's actually a whole other animal to San Andreas. It's of a different time, a different generation, a different console. That doesn't change the fact it's still a great game with superb qualities.

GTA was just an example: I could just as well be speaking of Super Mario, Tomb Raider or anything else that's mildly popular with the kids of today. As it happens, I haven't played GTA4 yet. I'm sure it is indeed is a very good game, but I simply haven't had the time or money to buy it. I think that's partially the point - it's a wholly materialistic thing: "I have the newest stuff so I'm better than you, regardless of how much crappier/more awesome the newer versions are".

Now, don't confuse these comments with honest criticism: there may well be features that set Halo 23 worlds apart from Halo 22. However, there is a certain line that separates the genuine video game tip-off from just plain bullying or name-calling. For sure, once I played Super Mario 3, that became my favourite Nintendo game. But it didn't mean to say I never, ever looked twice at the original Super Mario Bros. again - quite the contrary.

Just because a game is old, it doesn't mean it's bad. I extract much more enjoyment from a 99p copy of Premier Manager '97 for the Mega Drive than the £40 brand new version of Football Manager on the PS3. There's no better demonstration of this than the fact the Wii Virtual Console exists: if all these games were so bad, why is it that a whole new generation of gamers downloading and enjoying them?

Don't let the video game bullies get you down - they can never tell you what you enjoy.

Collie - the Inept Reviewer

2009-06-16T11:18:00.004+01:00

The emergence of the YouTube generation has given rise to a whole host of video blogs, known as vlogs. Perhaps the most prevalent of these, if not most popular, are ones offering their own critical commentary on their favourite (and least favourite) video games.

It seems everyone with an XBOX and a webcam has had a go at one point or another, and heck, even I have dipped my toes into the tepid ocean of repressed memories that is retro reviewing. The two mediums go hand in hand - those that played Space Invaders in the seventies or had a Nintendo in the early nineties are more likely to have moved on to internet gaming of late.

More popular, though, are retro game reviews. Search for 'Nintendo' on YouTube or Dailymotion and you will find reviews by James Rolfe, AKA The Angry Nintendo Nerd, who has become something of an Internet celebrity with his raging rants on how he wasted his childhood playing terrible games.

That's all well and good, and I do recommend James's channel if you have any sort of interest in retro gaming, but sometimes you just want something a bit more... British. On this side of the pond, we want half-hearted, dithering irrelevance with a touch of bonkers.

You will find no greater proponent of the above than Collie, who goes by the name of the Inept Reviewer on YouTube. His 'let's play' style reviews offer a brief insight to games for various formats, but usually return back to the ZX Spectrum. Now, I will confess that this is not really my generation - being slightly younger I am more of the Nintendo/Mega Drive era.

He does occasionally dabble with these consoles, but in many cases it really isn't about the game, it's the underlying soap opera that is Collie's personal life. Most of his videos are recorded at 3AM on a Saturday morning when he is considerably tired and emotional, worse for wear from the night before. Not a review goes by without being interrupted by an incoming text message from a friend or random person he encountered in the pub.

That's not to play down his knowledge of games, which at times borders on geekish, but that's okay. Each game, where warranted, is put into context very well by a series of stories about his acquisition of the game back in the late eighties. This is okay too, as I prefer my reviewers to have a bit of personality.

There is some (and, in many cases a lot of) beer-fuelled profanity, as is to be expected with this genre of videos - it has become something of the norm. Put up with this and you will surely enjoy this vastly underrated, 'juiced up', rather impatient method of game reviewing. Give Collie a go.

Geoff Boycott plays the Little Master Cricket game [PC]

2009-04-06T13:54:00.000+01:00

For those of you not aware of Little Master, it's a Flash cricket game, and pretty addictive it is too.

Here, England cricket legend and grumpy old man Geoff Boycott shows steadfast, resolute defense whilst playing the game. You could pay money just to watch it.

Play the game

Continental Circus [Amstrad CPC] - Beeping Reviews

2008-11-04T16:26:00.001Z

The Hindleyak bandwagon rolls through town once more! More racing capers this time round, and an inability to read the instruction manual. Bear with me on that...

This is one of the better Amstrad racing games and most likely deserves a proper review so who knows? I may do a scripted version of this if I manage to beat all the tracks.

Let's go!

GTA: San Andreas [PS2] - Road Rage video

2008-10-17T16:55:00.004+01:00

A project donated to the Illogicopedia. Go there for some fun!

Music by Catatonia, copyrighted.

International Superstar Soccer [N64] - strategy guide

2008-10-17T14:34:00.050+01:00

Recently I've been revisiting some old games for various consoles, particularly the N64. This weekend I'm bored so I'm going to try and give you some tips for succeeding on level 5 of International Superstar Soccer 64.

Preamble

Upon its release in 1997, ISS64 was immediately hailed as a revolution in football gaming. Whilst the graphics are a bit ropey by 2011 standards, the gameplay was unmatched and this is why the game still holds up well in today's realism-obsessed gaming society. I expect that pretty soon, as the game approaches its 15th birthday, it will squeeze onto the radar of retro gaming (Wii Virtual Console, anyone?) to such an extent that ISS64 can reach a whole new generation of video gamers. This is a good thing, because there are so many bad 'modern' football games it's unbelievable.

Teams

(See also: Detailed Teams Guide)

ISS has thirty-five teams to choose from, each with their own strengths and weaknesses reflecting their real life counterparts from 1996. On level 5, the gap between the best and worst is remarkably evident in match situations: Brazil will outrun you and smack in headers with unbelievable consistency whilst South Korea will get tired after about three minutes.

I always used to pick England, who are one of the best teams in the game, but wanted a bit more of a challenge so switched to Wales and won a few cups with them. I'm currently playing as South Korea. Yeah, don't ask why... I think it's because they've got the lowest stats in the game, with quite a deficiency in stamina, shot accuracy and goalkeeper strength - a bit of a challenge playing with them, you might say.

I'm not saying you should pick these guys, because winning the World League is a big enough task in itself, even with Italy, France or Argentina. In fact I would advise against Korea as they suck royally. However, for the purpose of (most of) this guide I shall playing as them in my quest to capture the prestigious World League trophy. Am I mad? Maybe. In a warm up game I lost 3-2 to Norway so the signs aren't good. Still, you've got to get used to a new team before you can select tactics accordingly, and it often takes a few games to get it right. On level 5, formation, team line-up and marking are vitally important, so take a bit of time to figure out the best formations before saving them to your controller pak. A few exhibition games should give you the opportunity to do this and stand you in good stead for the tougher (toughest?) task to come.

Here's a few pointers.

The Paraguay goalkeeper, Leone, is also an attacker(!) He's pretty good at free kicks - you could set him as your default taker but it's a bit of a risk. Always fun in a multiplayer game though!
Brazil's curling and crossing ability is unreal. You can't really beat them in the air so might want to play low passes. Allejo (Ronaldo) is the game's best player, rated 90 - if he gets the ball, pray he misses.
England have some awesome players. R. Banks is the game's best goalkeeper and T. Keegan will rip you apart given the chance.
Argentina, France and Italy are very dangerous, all-round teams, especially when computer controlled.

~~~~
For more detailed team info including statistics,
see the Retro Yakking ISS64 Teams Guide.
~~~~

Now, go and win everything

Hold on a minute there! First of all you've got to assess your squad. Some teams have strong benches, whilst for others (such as South Korea), reserves are just as bad as --if not worse than-- the rest of the team so some squad rotation can be employed. Throughout the course of a season you will end up using all sixteen of your players, save maybe the sub keeper - for some reason goalies never get injured, or at least I've never experienced it.

Often you'll be tempted to play the sub keeper in the outfield when your team is injury or suspension-hit, and sometimes you'll actually have no choice. Never mind, I've scored loads of goals with goalkeepers played up front. If you follow the rest of this guide, hopefully your skill will override any player's inadequacies, even the really crappy ones.

I would recommend a 4-3-3 formation, especially for weaker sides, but when you are more assured and comfortable with your team's players, tactics etc. you'll want to tinker with your own. Have the front men central, close to each other (you'll have to use the 'place' formation tool) so that you can score from any rebounds - there'll be loads of these, especially against rubbish goalies and fatigued defenders. Set your side backs to join the attack and place them slightly ahead of your central defender(s).

Have a backup formation of 5-3-2 (saved to the controller pak, of course) in case one of your defenders gets sent off so you can move a midfielder to defence and take a man from the attack to put him in midfield. Or, if you prefer, lose a midfielder and go more central - you'll be surprised how often this works.

Next, marking. I usually set my central midfielder to mark the equivalent opposition player and the side backs to stick with my opponent's attackers. It isn't a complete necessity to mark up but I prefer it as I play to pressure the man with the ball as much as possible. Don't bother with the rest of the stuff (preset strategies etc), it's too complicated and I can't get it to work. Besides, you shouldn't need it.

OK, you're ready

Now it's time to play some football. As you enter the first World League game you'll have maximum stamina levels (indicated by the yellow bar to the left of the player's name). This will be a luxury rarely afforded you on level five, but don't be overly worried if you lose as there are plenty more games to make up for it - 69, in fact. I reckon you'll have to get about 150 points to win the league - that's the equivalent of 50 wins. It's different every time, however, as the whole thing's random but you will find that Brazil, England etc. are usually in the top eight.

Check the other team's formation. It's usually a five man midfield but occasionally a team will pack the defence. I hate it when teams do this as there are so many defenders to beat. Don't get het up though, you can beat these guys if you remain positive. Look on the bright side, you can afford to dwell in the midfield a bit and maybe play an extra man up front.

But what about scoring goals?

I'm getting to it, jeez. Before you can even score you've got to get the ball. The more you give the computer possession, the more likely you are to lose.

Basically there are two types of tackle: soft and hard.

Obviously, hard (slide) tackles are more likely to give away fouls but I would say that, used correctly, both are just as effective. If the opponent is running with the ball and you are also moving, use hard tackles - you have to time it so that you are aiming for the ball rather than the man or you may give away a foul.

On all other occasions, use soft tackles. Usually the computer will auto select the man nearest the ball. Move your player directly adjacent to the opponent with the ball and repeatedly tap the button. About 50% of the time you'll come away with the ball, and this percentage is increased if the opponent is stationary. If in doubt, use the soft tackle button.

Be alert, as often the computer (even Brazil and Argentina) will make some completely stupid passes in their own half/penalty area enabling you to tackle them and be in on goal in no time. In the first half, you can sometimes get the ball straight back when you've been tackled by using a soft tackle.

As your players tire, though, they will be less able to react to a tackle, usually falling like a sack of spuds or stopping statuesque for about 5 seconds. Remember this works both ways, though: bring on some fresh legs in crucial positions (such as central midfield) and pressure the defence like mad.

That stupid Allejo, the %&*^%"#!

It's not all easy. Often you can't even get close to an opponent in possession, resulting in some almost unavoidable goals (stupid goalkeeper). What is important is that you score more than the other team. Well duh, that's the point of football, you might say, and you are right. You live and die by your decisions in front of goal - this is where the game is won. You can't really experience this in the training mode so you'll have to do some exhibition games to practice.

There are lots of ways to score but, as in many footy games (FIFA Soccer, PES etc.), there's a really cheap way of carving out an opportunity that results in a goal more often than not. It involves outrunning the goalkeeper, which is really quite easy once you get the hang of things.

Approach the goalie head on and he'll come out to challenge you. Just as he is about to dive, change direction suddenly by jerking the analogue stick (cough cough). Running diagonally often suffices. Having cleared the keeper, quickly revert back to moving towards goal and press the shoot button to score in the open net.

As you might already know, though, some of those pesky defenders may follow you all the way; I suggest shooting as soon as you beat the keeper for best results.

There's variations on this rule but the basic concept is the same - get yourself in a position to draw the keeper whilst still staying far enough away to evade his greedy clutches. Easy, yeah? No. Often it will result in too narrow an angle to shoot so you've just got to keep trying. One way to avoid this is to sprint across goal around the penalty spot area and once you reach the far post take a shot. Once you get the hang of it you are laughing. If you have, say, 20 shots on goal, about 5 of these will be goals, so keep trying it, and refer to the video below for some pointers.

Other methods

Set pieces

If your players have poor stats, don't bother trying to score directly from free kicks; it never works on level 5 because goalkeepers are too good. Instead, put a low pass just past the wall and have a player run across the penalty area to shoot. Often it'll be a defender as they are generally unmarked from set pieces. This method will get you a goal 1/8 times, as opposed to never with the direct shot. That is, unless you have a curler in your team, in which case you can aim to swerve the ball into the top corner of the goal. This requires some practice so use the free kick training option to try it out.

Corners can be handled the same way, but, just like Stoke City, it's more successful to get the ball in the mix and hope it goes into the net. Use the cross button (Left C) and set the meter to 3/4 power; aim for about halfway between the penalty spot and six yard line; frantically mash the shoot button as the ball enters the penalty area and hopefully by some fluke you might get a head to it, or it goes in off a defender or something.

You can't score from a goal kick (well, I've never done it), but try and get the ball as far up the field as possible. Don't bother throwing the ball from the keeper's hands, always kick clear - you don't want to chuck the ball to an attacker, gifting them a goal. You could drop and run (Down C) for a second or two but still wallop the ball forward with Left C.

Long balls

Recently I've been having some success with long balls. Every time you get the ball in your own half, blast it up the field towards the general position of your attackers. Since you've got a bunch of them grouped around the centre, it's likely one will be waiting, and even if an opposition defender gets the ball you can quickly tackle them and advance towards goal. It all happens pretty fast but you won't get blisters from constantly passing the ball about. Good if you have terrible midfielders.

Passing/Through balls

Don't bother passing too much in your own half of the field, instead clear as soon as possible. The Up C button can often produce some brilliant through passes in your opponent's third of the field. If you're playing a passing game it's worth using it. A lot.

The regular pass button gives the ball to feet which can actually be just as effective sometimes, but watch out for the pesky offside trap. I'm sure the game's logic on the offside rule is flawed - not surprising, given its complexity. I'll bet even Alan Hansen sometimes struggles to grasp the 'two defenders' concept', despite the confident front he exudes when 'chatting' with Lawro and Lineker.

Penalties

Penalties, as in real life football, are a matter of pot luck. In any case, I've never found a sure-fire way of scoring every time, but try this:

Have a player with good shot accuracy take them (via the team line up screen) and aim for the corners.
Hit shoot then swiftly and decisively change to an opposite corner - with luck, the goalie will be rooted to the spot and it'll go sailing in. It doesn't always happen this way, though, because sometimes the goalie will be too good for your crummy South Korean penalty taker anyway!

From a rebound, I think I've only ever scored once because the goalie always, without fail, manages to get to it first. The exception to this is if you hit the post or bar, in which case there's a chance you can follow up and score while the goalie's still on the ground.

In shootouts, the best line-ups are usually the default ones, but make sure your players with the best shot accuracy are in the first five, preferably (and most often) attackers. From then, order them according to shot accuracy. Remember that defenders have a larger shot area so are generally less accurate.

Ah, brilliant. I won my first game!

Well done! Remember, though, it's a marathon, not a sprint. You may have won but your star striker is injured and your midfield general got sent off. In addition, your defenders were run into the ground and as a result have dangerously low stamina levels for game two. The real challenge starts now - playing with a depleted squad, that is. Well, I can't help you out much personally (I can't play football for beans, plus I think I left my shin pads in my locker) but I can offer advice on how to minimise injury.

Check your players' stamina levels at half time. If someone has zero stamina, sub them or put them in a relatively inactive position. For example, if Croatia are mainly playing down the right channel, put the player in the left back position.

Sometimes, though, four or five players will be dangerously low in the energy department: in this case, use the sprint button sparingly, be cautious, and pray you don't get cropped. I find that my attackers are injured the most because I play my football mainly in the opposition half. This can often result in me putting defenders/midfielders up front for a spell but it's not always a bad thing - as mentioned before they will have superior stamina levels to opposition defenders and outrun them for fun.

This goes without saying, but if you're winning 4-0 with 30 seconds to go, don't take too many risks. Make some late subs to save injuries caused by tired tackles.

And that's about it.

There's nothing much more to say, it's just a game of football. Win the World League and you will be suitably rewarded with some extra teams with which to play in exhibition modes. These all-star squads are made up of the best players in the game and you will do well to defeat them - playing in the International Cup mode you'll need to beat the formidable (but not unbeatable) World Stars team in order to unlock them all. All I can say is good luck to you, it's a tough task for the best of gamers.

After that, you can take on the scenarios. I'm not going to cover these but I'd say completing them on level 5 is harder than winning the World League with South Korea, and that's saying something. The Holland-England game will have you frustrated for ages so have some aspirin to hand.

Done all that? Well, you could try ISS '98.... or, if you fancy more of a challenge, make a team of players with zero ability points and try to win the League with that! It'd probably take you a few decades, but at least you'd be able to say you did it...

Sultan's Maze [Amstrad CPC, 1984] review

2008-10-13T17:12:00.000+01:00

I'm really not sure why it's named the Sultan's Maze when the game takes place at Hampton Court. And I don't recall there ever being a ghost, let alone one with a pixel outline that can literally kill you.

I'm also not sure what it is with Amsoft and maze games. Essentially, this game has a similar plot to Roland on the Ropes; navigate a maze whilst avoiding its guardian(s); collect treasure/gems for as high a score as possible. Once you have completed a maze, you are presented with a new, more challenging one.

This is no platformer though - instead, Amsoft take the ambitious step of rendering the whole maze in 3 dimensions. I say three dimensions, but it's very basic 'pseudo 3d' stuff - hedges are a series of lines and this is what you'll be staring at for most of the maze. However there is a nice castle and tree-lined path that must have taken a while to code which for some reason I quite liked.

Aesthetics aside, it's painfully slow stuff; methinks this could be due to the limitations of the BASIC code; but I don't think even improved loading times could save Sultan's. The killer for me is the fact it seems your character is a weakling and can only carry one or two jewels at a time. As time goes by, your strength reduces and you are able to carry less gems as a consequence.

It may be "3D", but it's pretty inane - add to that a strange key setup and you have a rather naff video game. It's a valiant effort nonetheless, and just about acceptable for 1984. Sure, it's a rip-off and nothing special, more of a showcase of some of the stuff the CPC was capable of but heck! It's better than nothing for a tape you got free with the system. :)

Which way now? To the pub!

Breakdown

Any recommended sequels?: Nope.

Get if: you had this game in the 80s/90s: see if you have a bit more patience than you did back then. Also get if you're an Amstrad collector/junkie.

Avoid if: you want a deeper, more complex game that doesn't eat into your precious pub time.

Game info

Sultan's Maze [Amstrad CPC, 1984]. Not available for any other console, as far as I know.

Buy this game

Rarity rating: [10=extremely rare] 5 - Amsoft game that came packaged with the system. Find a system, you may find a copy.
Buy @ eBay - about a quid.
As with most Amstrad games, they are pretty difficult to find on the main street. Specialist retro game stores and really big video game outlets with a large retro section are your best bets.

Road Rash [MD] crashes III

2008-10-10T16:53:00.003+01:00

As promised, here's the third (second?) installation in the Road Rash crashes series.

Contains footage spliced from the review and a bunch of other stuff I never used.

Enjoy.

Roland on the Ropes [Amstrad CPC, 1984] review

2008-10-09T12:10:00.019+01:00

In Spain, this game is known simply as "Fred". What a brilliant title for a game, just "Fred". Roland is somehow less fitting to describe our lead character: I see him as more of a Fred Dibnah type dude.

With a title like that, you might think that Roland is some sort of terrible boxer. He probably is, considering the fact he needs a gun to protect him from the clutches of vampires, mummies, ghosts, rats and dripping green ooze (!) as he explores the tombs of Tootiecarmoon [sic]. Huh, I don't think Frank Bruno would have needed a gun in such a situation, know what I mean, Fred? But, erm... [changes subject quickly] this is essentially a glorified maze game in which you climb ropes and collect treasures on your way out of the tomb.

Something you'll notice quite soon is the fact you have to be at the correct pixel perfect position underneath a rope to climb it and at exactly the right spot on the rope to jump onto a platform from it. That said, the controls seem more responsive than I remember - maybe I just had a really rubbish joystick back then. After some initial frustration you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly but this problematic necessity to be precise will inevitably crop up later as you get backed into a corner and panic. Believe me, you will at some point get trapped with a wall to the left and an advancing ghost to the right. In these cases, it's better to cut your losses and take just one hit and walk through the enemy rather than multiple hits as you struggle to dodge their movements.

Back to that gun. You will find that the enemies you most want to shoot are the ghosts: their paths are incredibly unpredictable and they can even float through walls. But guess what? Your bullets pass right through them, meaning you'll have to use your digital dexterity to avoid them. Not much of a problem, you might say - a lot of games have enemies that cannot be beaten, only dodged. It isn't that easy, however. Those blighters gang up on you, and then you've had it. That said, those enemies that can be shot, such as the mummies, make a resounding and satisfying 'poof', turning to dust when you hit them.

For all its shortcomings, Roland proves to be fun in parts. There is an element of trial and error (never a good thing in a video game) but I found myself wanting to have another go, and another - even though I had been slaughtered by a scorpion for the umpteenth time something told me that next time I might be luckier. But this is precisely were the game falls down: much of the game is down to luck, especially at the beginning. You need a huge amount of patience and collectedness because you will get lost and find yourself at the mercy of fate. Once you die, as Revolver Ocelot would say, there are no continues my friend. You have to make do with starting right at the beginning once more, but at least you get a life bar refill at the end of each level.

Indiana Jones has nothing on Fred? Well, perhaps not.

Breakdown

Recommended sequels: Roland in the Caves [Amstrad CPC].

Get if: you like maze games. It's pretty satisfying when you complete a maze, I will concede.

Avoid if: you have little or no patience - you'll get lost often. Also avoid if you are susceptible to getting blisters on your fingers (for those with a joystick).

Game info

Roland on the Ropes (Fred) [Amstrad CPC, 1984]. Also available for ZX Spectrum and Commodore 64.

Buy this game

Rarity rating [10=extremely rare]: 4
Buy @ eBay - approx £1
It could be pretty tough to track this game down in your local area as from my experience not many places stock old CPC games. If you can find one though, this was a pretty popular Amstrad game so they may well have it. You could have more luck finding a Spectrum or Commodore copy.

Video review (more info)

Longplay with commentary (more info)

Road Rash [Mega Drive] crashes compilation parts 1 & 2

2008-10-08T21:21:00.002+01:00

This video is actually a compilation of two videos which were uploaded on an alternative YouTube account. Around a year ago I was messing around on Road Rash once again and found myself compelled to make a video or two. In recent times, because YouTube have been updating their coding and stuff, the videos tended to bunch up for some weird reason. So, here is a reupload, in avi format no less, for your enjoyment.

Crashes and Bashes & Thumps and Bumps:

Part 3, containing bonus footage from my video review of RR, is on the way.

Hindleyakking - Legal stuff

2008-10-08T17:04:00.001+01:00

Just to cover my back....

I have no connection to any video game company or organisation, I am simply a fan making videos/writing content for other fans.

All in-game footage and screenshots are copyright their respective owners. Content is uploaded on Blogger's/YouTube's US servers and as such falls under the jurisdiction of that country's copyright laws. It is believed that a limited number of web resolution screenshots for identification and critical commentary on the games in question qualifies for fair use, as such display does not significantly impede the right of the copyright holder to sell the copyrighted material, is not being used to generate profit in this context, and presents ideas that cannot be exhibited otherwise.

Thanks to Wikipedia for the fair use wording.

Credits for console icons:

Huge thanks to the following for their excellent images:

SNES: created by Cereales Killer. Reproduced under the GFDL and Creative Commons licenses.
Amstrad CPC and Mega Drive taken by Bill Bertram. Reproduced under the Creative Commons Sharealike license.
Arcade machine by Joshua Driggs/Bayo. Reproduced under the Creative Commons Sharealike license.
PC icon modified from a pic by BrokenSphere reproduced under GFDL and Creative Commons Sharealike licenses.
NES icon created by David Orango reproduced under Creative Commons Sharealike License.

Road Rash [Mega Drive] video review

2008-10-08T15:39:00.002+01:00

With this video review (my first, no less), I was aiming for a spoof promo-style production. Took me a while to finish, maybe a week of editing.

[ Video transcript: ]

Enter the world of illegal street racing.

Kick the snot out of cops, fellow competitors and everything else that gets in your way. Listen to the grunts of discontent as you execute a perfectly timed kick in the nuts.

Watch in awe as a large estate powers into your newly purchased Kawasaki. Laugh heartily as you smash some guy with a mildly intimidating name over the head. Whimper as you struggle to control the most powerful bike in the game because you decided to enter a cheat code.

Make your fellow miscreants eat dust as you power your way to the California State Championship. $140? Sniff my wad!

So throw away that Need For Speed CD and dig out your Road Rash cartridge for some pure unadulterated thuggery. Say goodbye to Super Hang On, for the next generation of bike racing is here, and with a bit of luck you won't even have to bother about buying a new muffler every five minutes.

Illegal street racing? Erm, no! I was just driving to my mother's house... she's very ill you know.

[ End ]

Road Rash [Mega Drive, 1991] review

2008-10-08T12:37:00.000+01:00

Let's face it: deep down we all want to be street thugs. We want to cane people across the skull with large truncheons, perform daredevil leaps over parked cars and generally kick the snot out of authority figures. Well, er, maybe it's just me then, constable? Please don't give me a fine for dropping litter!

Super Hang-On had taken the motorbike-em-up genre to a new level with its innovative "original" mode which saw you competing against rivals across winding cross country roads for cash. Road Rash builds on this idea, throwing in some good old-fashioned thuggery for good measure.

But this is far from Hang-On with knobs on: if it was at all possible, it out-arcades its arcade predecessor. Sure, it seems to plod along at first but once you get to buy the more powerful bikes it really lives up to the sheer speed of Hang-On. There's no slowdown to stop you in your tracks... the stupidly parked vehicles will do that just as well for you.

I shall stop comparing games made five years apart and for different formats, because in my book, Road Rash deserves to be regarded as a stand-alone classic. The difficulty curve is A1. The game sucks you in, and after about an hour you'll start to encounter bigger challenges - cows lying in the road, wandering deer and speeding estates begin to knock you off your bike more frequently, meaning you're going to have to master those brakes.

All the while you're racing along to a quality digitised soundtrack with excellent guitar sampling pretty damn advanced for its time. The game features a number of tunes from esteemed video game composer Rob Hubbard, who also created soundtracks for IK+ [Various] and the critically acclaimed Skate or Die [C64], to which you'll often be tempted to break out the air guitar mid-race. Like a good soundtrack, you'll also find yourself humming the tunes for a long time afterwards.

Your fellow competitors goad you before each race, making you want to get out on the track and pulp them into submission, both literally and metaphorically by sending them flying across the gravel and taking the first place berth to rub it in their faces. Each has a (mildly intimidating) name to add to the (non?) realism; Biff, Helldog, Viper, Broomhelga and er, Angel - they're all out to put your jaw out of joint.

It's highly violent stuff: high speed crashes, kicking people in the nuts, attacking police officers... and not a parental warning or BBFC rating in sight. Oh yes. See, in the 'old days', you could do that and get away with it. There are no 15-ratings here kids, so forget Need For Speed and get Road Rash instead.

Game breakdown

Recommended sequels:

Road Rash II [MD]: adds a few functions such as beating up cops, new tunes and more spectacular crashes.

Road Rash III [MD]: a graphical update and new weapons and courses but essentially the same formula and engine as 1 +2.

Don't bother with Road Rash 3D [PSX]. Just don't, or I'll send some of my yak mates round to sort you out. Er, that wasn't a threat...

Get if: you like racing/sports games, bikes or are the casual gamer looking for some competitive action.

Avoid if: you prefer a more 'honest' type of bike racing game: go for Hang-On instead. Also avoid if you hate racing games or bikes in general - you may find yourself falling off a lot. Pays your money, takes your choice.

Game info

Road Rash [Mega Drive] - also available for Amiga, Atari ST, Game Boy, Game Gear, Sega Master System

Buy this game

Rarity Rating [10=Extremely rare]: 3
Buy @ eBay - a couple of pounds usually, might cost a bit more for sequels, especially RRIII which is a bit rarer.
Your local retro games store may have a copy but they might want about a fiver. You know what those shops are like, they price the games according to quality, usually.

NBA Jam [Mega Drive, 1994] review

2008-10-07T20:56:00.002+01:00

Strangely, despite growing up in the United Kingdom, where football is king, and miles away from the nearest basketball court, I was something of a basketball fan.

Not that I ever went to watch any games; my closest local team, the Manchester Giants, played 25 miles away and I much preferred a day at the football. But, I did class myself as something of a follower of the sport, mostly because of NBA Jam.

I must have first heard about the game on Head to Head, a British video game show on now defunct Sky channel The Children's Channel (video above) and subsequently rented the game from my local newsagent. Let me just say that I actually finished up renting it enough times to cover the cost of actually purchasing the game.

What is presented here is a caricature of basketball: cartoony big headed players performing unimaginably huge dunks and length-of-the-court three pointers, with the standard five-a-side format overlooked in favour of a two-on-two jamfest.

But what Jam lacks in realism it more than makes up for in arcade brilliance. I never played the original - I read that the console versions are decent ports, but unfortunately I don't think I would have been able to persuade one of the arcades at Blackpool to buy the game in, seeing as I was about nine at the time.

This bending of the boundaries allows for such concepts as the hot streak. If a single player scores three baskets in a row, he is 'on fire'. Until someone else scores, the player is granted unlimited sprint, increased accuracy and a range of 'superdunks', the ball glowing bright orange all the time the player is in possession of it. This, along with sinking an at-the-buzzer downtown Hail Mary to scrape a contest, must rank as one of the most fun parts of the game.

Or maybe not, for multiple player games bring two, three and four times the fun respectively. There's nothing better than taking the mick out of your opponent by passing to your partner whilst twenty feet in the air midway through an ultra dunk and seeing him shoot a flawless uncontested three-pointer. This, you can guarantee, will lead to much verbal taunting, high-fives and the other team sulking into their Reeboks.

And then there's the sonics. There is no option to turn them off, but I doubt you'd want to; superb digital sampling provides the commentary which can, at times, be impressively fluent. Slightly clearer on the SNES, no doubt, but still mightily good and a decent range of catchphrases for a game released in 1994. You'll find yourself repeating "grabs the rebound!" and "is it the shoes?" as you shoot some hoops down at the local recreation ground.

It was only years later that I actually bought the game for the Mega Drive and fully realised what fun it was: having played other similar games such as Barkley's Shut Up and Jam [MD] and such five a side conversions of the sport as NBA Live '98 [PS], none could live up to the frantic dunk-a-minute orgies of Jam (though I have to admit Live 98 was fun).

Breakdown-town

Recommended sequels: NBA Jam T.E. [SNES, MD]

Get if: You're a fan of arcade style sports games. If you like basketball, you most likely have it already ;) It's very easy to while away whole afternoons attempting to beat all the NBA teams, and when you've done that you can do it all again in the uber-hectic 'juice mode'.

Avoid if: You prefer realism in your sports games, if you detest basketball, or if a wide variety of tunes is a top factor in your ideal game.

Game info

NBA Jam [Mega Drive] - also available for Arcade, Super NES, Game Gear, Sega CD, Game Boy

Buy this game

Rarity rating [10=extremely rare]: 2
Buy @ Ebay - costs approximately £2-3
This was a very popular game, check your local Cash Converters or retro video games store. You could also get it cheaper from a boot sale, perhaps haggling as low as 50p if the seller knows nothing of video games :)

Dunks video: (more info)

International Superstar Soccer [N64] cheap goals video

2007-12-02T17:07:00.000Z

Some gameplay from International Superstar Soccer 64. I uploaded this a long time ago under an account I planned to upload more often to. That project is still on hold, but here are a few cheesy goals and celebrations from the classic that is International Superstar Soccer 64.

Brian Lara Cricket [PSX] India v Ireland

2007-10-17T17:02:00.000+01:00

This is actually two different videos pasted together as one match, hence the imbalance between innings lengths. The game is 10 overs per side on the Village difficulty setting. In the first innings I try and get as big a score as possible. In the second I started to experiment with camera angles on LBW decisions.

Brian Lara Cricket [PSX] Edged...

2007-02-19T16:58:00.001Z

A collection of wickets.

Brian Lara Cricket [PSX] World Cup Match: England v Scotland

2007-02-17T16:35:00.000Z

The Cricket World Cup is just around the corner. In anticipation, I decided to create a 'Battle of Britain' scenario in Brian Lara Cricket for the original Playstation. Here, England are pitted against minnows Scotland (me), in a ten over match on the Test level. Who will emerge victorious?

Part one:

Part two:

Misc. Brian Lara Cricket [PSX] gameplay videos

2007-02-11T16:39:00.000Z

Super batsman cheat

An over of Brian Lara Cricket Superman cheat. Just enter 'SUPERMAN' in the classic match passcode box.

Small bug

A common glitch in which the computer batsman is not ready to face a delivery immediately following the start of play. This allows you to get a free shot at his stumps. The glitch is shown here in the practice mode but it also occurs in matches.

Bowling tactic

One method of getting the computer batsmen out in Brian Lara Cricket. Get a spin bowler to pitch a full toss on off stump. Be warned, this can leak a lot of runs if you are inaccurate or unlucky, so set fields accordingly.

Beach mode

Beach cricket courtesy of Brian Lara Cricket on PSX. Uses the big balls and beach mode cheats: SUNSHINE and BIGBALLS if I remember rightly.

Classic match

Playing one of the scenario matches. Oh yeah, this is carried out on the Village difficulty level so if I can't do it then I suck.